#1
Forest fire spread like a flood
We need to run, blaze the trail
Water, oil, and dry mud

Every step echoes and booms
Choking on all the oxygen
It's getting late, warns the moon

The drought spreads like a plague
Cough and cough while we pray
Part the sea, set us free


this is the last song we are going to record for our album. we have the basic gist, but not all the parts sorted yet.
#3
No bumps, dude.

Also, I wouldn't come in here just leaving "gay" as a comment, and expect honest critiques in return. It makes you look like a douchebag.

Quote by NihilistNixon

Forest fire spread like a flood
We need to run, blaze the trail
Water, oil, and dry mud
Every step echoes and booms
Choking on all the oxygen
It's getting late, warns the moon
Interesting start, but it feels like just random images thrown at the reader, without really describing anything. Decent last line, though.

The drought spreads like a plague
Cough and cough while we pray
Part the sea, set us free
Yeah, actually. This whole piece really fails to say anything. It's just vapid imagery.


My advice is to think about your theme, and actively take steps to describe or show it to the reader. This was uninteresting, vapid, amounted to a lot of words that never really said anything. There's no connection between the thoughts, and by the end of it, it's just extremely underwhelming. It's not too difficult to throw "fire," "plague," and all this dark imagery in a poem. It is difficult to not sound like cliché garbage, which you exemplified here.
#4
Quote by blake1221
No bumps, dude.

Also, I wouldn't come in here just leaving "gay" as a comment, and expect honest critiques in return. It makes you look like a douchebag.


My advice is to think about your theme, and actively take steps to describe or show it to the reader. This was uninteresting, vapid, amounted to a lot of words that never really said anything. There's no connection between the thoughts, and by the end of it, it's just extremely underwhelming. It's not too difficult to throw "fire," "plague," and all this dark imagery in a poem. It is difficult to not sound like cliché garbage, which you exemplified here.


Why? If something is gay than its gay. And Im a comedy master, so its funny when I do it. Well the theme is bad things happening. So the fire and what not isnt anything deep. They all just represent bad things happening. Karma, fist fights, drug withdrawl, getting kciked out, etc. But i think I know why you seem so "harsh"...its because youre butt hurt and that is funny.

i am God.
#5
I have nothing to be butthurt about, as your "gay" comment wasn't even directed at me. I'm not being harsh out of defense, but because this piece really wasn't any good.

There's a difference between negative criticism, and just insulting something. The former is welcome here. If you had maybe gone on to explain why it was "gay" than it'd be passable. If I had just left "shitty piece of shit writing" as a comment, I doubt you'd appreciate it.

Y u projecting brah?
#6
Quote by blake1221
I have nothing to be butthurt about, as your "gay" comment wasn't even directed at me. I'm not being harsh out of defense, but because this piece really wasn't any good.

There's a difference between negative criticism, and just insulting something. The former is welcome here. If you had maybe gone on to explain why it was "gay" than it'd be passable. If I had just left "shitty piece of shit writing" as a comment, I doubt you'd appreciate it.

Y u projecting brah?


It was gay because it sounded gay. If you left that Id say "Oh...I am God and can write better than you ever will." Because I cannot tell a lie. Btw, cut your hair.
Last edited by NihilistNixon at Aug 14, 2011,