#1
EDIT: I'm not sure i like this version anymore than I do the original, but here ya go. Original can be found in the post below.

Intro:
I've been talking in my sleep
I've been walking through my dreams

Verse:
and though it's killing me bit by bit
I can't seem to turn my back
and even though it all fell through
I'm pretty sure i know just where
my heart is at

Chorus:
I'm cleaning out my closet
I'm pulling back the blinds
this night is dragging on i think
its time to cut the lines
just a little deeper it's such
a dangerous tie
crawling on the floor; and still I sing

Bridge:
Damn what was i thinking that
this was something good?
and you were worth the sinking. . .
feeling in my stomach
whenever you're around
the sweet poison on your lips
is what finally brought me down

outro:
death doesn't seem so big anymore
i could fit it in my hand and walk around with a smile
as fake as the words
you whispered in my ear
love doesn't live here anymore.
Last edited by guitartaber93 at Aug 15, 2011,
#2
Quote by guitartaber93

The ice breaks
your face melts right through my hands
this fire so fake
this heart pain drifting through these veins
I can see what you mean by the cliché start. I'm not too sure what you're describing with the fire, either. I think in general the "fire and ice" thing is tricky to pull off without sounding a little tread upon. I liked the internal rhyming in the last line.

and though it's killing me softly
i can't seem to turn my back
even though it all fell through
i'm pretty sure i know just where
my heart is at
and i rolled over in my bed
just to know that i have lost my head
This stanza was definitely more tangible, which helps pick up from your first one. The problem with it, though, is it's a little weak. It doesn't have the right kick to it, which I think mostly falls on the last two lines. The "head/bed" rhyme is a bit lackluster (even Brand New has difficulty using it) and that last line doesn't make sense in context. Why would rolling over in your bed let you know you've lost it? What does that even mean? I think you could swap out that last line and find something better to say.

i'm cleaning out my closet
i'm pullin back the blinds
this night is dragging on i think
its time to cut the ties
just a little deeper it's such
a dangerous tie
crawling on the floor; the right words
won't seem to rhyme
Best stanza yet. Nothing awe inspiring, but it had a great rhythm, the rhymes worked out. Things were going well until the "the right words won't seem to rhyme." Take that out. It's been said before, you can find something better again.

Damn what was i thinking that
this was something good
and you were worth the sinking
feeling in my stomach
whenever yu go down
but damn
you're jsut so good whenever
you're around.
I feel like this stanza comes up short. The rhythm wasn't there, and "you're just so good whenever you're around" seems really uninspired. It doesn't take much thought to say that, find a way to show the reader that she was good when she was around.

death doesn't seem so big anymore
i could fit it in my hand and walk around with a smile
as fake as the words
you whispered in my ear
love doesn't live here anymore.
Then fuck me, this was a great closing. Write more like this.



I said all I really needed to in the purple shtuff. It had some good moments and some bad. I'd take the good ones, work with them, and then patch over the bad stuff. The last stanza really shows you've got great writing in you, and that makes it all the more disappointing when the weaker lines come out. Keep writing, man.
#3
Thank you very much! I will definitely work on what you've pointed out.
I'm farily new to writing i guess. Been off and on for about 2 years.
I've just not realized how mediocre i am in the lyrics department; i'm trying to think out of the box and trying to be more original. I guess it's just gonna take time. But i think i'll get there. Thanks for the words of encouragement as well, sir. It really means a lot!

EDIT: I'm editing the song right now. Not sure it'll be much better than the original. I'll replace it when i'm finished.
Last edited by guitartaber93 at Aug 14, 2011,