#1
Affected slant of words, southern draaawling
pictures of your sickness, and your dick.
You drank Old Crow tonight, but hell,
there was poison in that well, walked
out of that shit bar caked with Dayton's spit.

"Oh vanitas, and loose women, wasted hours
and nothing left but a damn infestation."

I wanted to pray, but instead drenched
your ears in gold soundz, over phone lines,
while fears of our shared conscience
floated in the air, amidst the stale smoke
and the smell of rotten fruit.

Black butterflies crawl across your ceiling,
so you cross the county line to escape,
only to bitterly wrench my hair in your fists.
Skull-cracked, whiskey spent,
lead festering in your tenuous veins.
you scream about the price of gold.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#2
I'm going to edit a crit in later; I'm self stickying this for now.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
First of all, thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I think you have a really good grasp on imagery. It almost feels to me like Dahli painting a picture of the south. I have to say that the final stanza is my favorite. My one complaint is the "and my dick". If you're going to use profanity, it needs to be done effectively and I don't get that here. (The"shit bar", could use a better adjective, but I'll let that one slide). The dick thing just seems too tacked on. Lastly, I think the second stanza would be best suited for the end. I don't know, I just personally like when pieces end on a couplet. Anyways, nice job, man.
#4
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I just got back vacationing with my family. As for the piece, I thought this was beautiful. You created this undeniable atmosphere here, it was moody and dark. The images were exceptionally stark and original, especially the black butterflies one. It all helped to set the scene and, despite not fully grasping what you were trying across content-wise, I was able to fully take in the energy and mood of the piece. I'm not sure what it is I would change here. I liked the "dick" line because of how blunt it is; there is a pervading sense I get of an abusive relationship here but I can't be so sure. At any rate, this was beautiful in how grimey and dark you made everything feel. I apologize for giving anything more substantial in terms of a critique but if anything else this will serve as a bump for a great poem
here, My Dear, here it is