#1
EDIT:

I have a tattoo
of your name on my chest.
Since you came around;
i found my bullet proof vest.
The ink,
something more
than skin deep, was
kept and i let it soak
in.
You're my Lady in this
new found land;
I promise i'm not blowing
smoke.
Last edited by guitartaber93 at Aug 15, 2011,
#2
I read it twice, one skipping over the parentheses, and one while reading it as written, and I don't like the lines in parentheses. They weaken the piece by making it seem like you're desperate for her, and not truly in love with her, which are two different things.
"because of you I find the strength to stand" Well how did you find this chick if you didn't have the strength to stand in the first place? You know what I mean? What would make someone attracted to a dude who can't do anything on his own?
Without those lines it reads much better. This is how I'd structure it, just for flow's sake:
I have a tattoo
of your name on my chest
Since you came around
I found my bulletproof vest
[In] the ink something more
than skin deep was kept <-----this line I'd try re-working
and I let it soak in
You're my lady
in this new found land
I promise I'm not blowing smoke <----this is a weak ending, it doesn't add anything: Why would anyone assume you're blowing smoke in the first place? And, if they did assume that, how would saying that make them think otherwise anyway?

Also, is this a verse, a whole song, or just a random bit of poetry? As far as the title being "New Found Lands" nothing really conveys that theme, you could've found love in any ol neck of the woods, there's nothing other than the fact that you said "you're my lady in this new found land" to justify the title.
So yeah that's my take on it, not trying to break it down. I think it's fine as a thing to have written just for the sake of practicing writing, but I wouldn't DO anything with this, like make a whole song out of it, without seriously revising it and adding to it.
Last edited by Four-Sticks at Aug 15, 2011,
#3
I'm thinking it's gonns be an opening verse to a song. And thank you for the crit! I'll work on what you said for sure! :] And i think once i write more to it the title will be more fitting. New Found Land doesn't mean a physical place, at least not to me.
Last edited by guitartaber93 at Aug 15, 2011,
#5
Touche good sir!

So i've had a drastic change in my thought process for this piece. I'm all over right now for some reason. Is it better, worse, same? hah


I've been mulling it around
in my mind for quite some time.
How can i describe that moment?
I was Stout Cortez,
silent upon a mountain top in darien.
I was Armstrong,
taking his first steps on the moon.
i was Columbus,
returned with all the wonders of the indies.

All the adventurers
and explorers who ever lived.

This, my New Found Land,
and you, it's queen.
And in that moment there was
nowhere else in the world.
You didn't break the spell;
you stood still in the same wonder.

And with the passing of time
i have come to find i've grown
quite fond of my lady
in this new found land

I have a tattoo
of your name on my chest
Since you came around
I found my bulletproof vest
[In] the ink, something more
than skin deep
and I let it soak
I let it seep, into my soul
and there it's found it's home
for the rest of my days
Last edited by guitartaber93 at Aug 19, 2011,
#6
It's up to you to say all that you want to say. If you think it says more of what you're trying to say than before, then it's better. I think it does, so yeah, it's an improvement.