#1
I'm not much of a lyricist so I am eager to get some feedback. Let me know what you think. This song is about heavy drug use and the uphill struggle of becoming sober. I want the song to sound like Circa Survive meets Glassjaw.

curiosity kills us all

I dread the thought
of being pulled any deeper
yet still I plunge
neglecting the risk
and just dying to live a bit
but there's no turning back on this one way road
you want to stop but something urges you on
you question if you even have control of yourself
which probably means you don't
[chorus1]
I'm in need of a fix, that I doubt will repair me
I've endured all the sticks and stones
that you could throw at me
and here I stand without a single broken bone
Just let me out and I'll leave you alone.
I never wanted this, oh god I never wanted this...
can you even remember the past
or feel how meaningful it's been?
is this exactly how you want your future to be spent?
I've seen glimpses of the big picture
and barely know how grand it is
but from what I can tell there's more to this
world than being trapped in a web
find your way out but never give in
show them what you're about
and wield your strength from within
[chorus2]
I'm in need of a fix, that I hope can repair me,
I've endured all the sticks and stones
that you could ****ing throw at me
yet still I stand here without a single broken bone
who knew that all along I was never alone?
oh how I needed this, dear god how I needed this...


Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think
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Quote by RU Experienced?
Sorry man, I only know how to program in Db.

Quote by genghisgandhi
I'm so underground that I make up bands and songs in my head and don't tell anyone about them.
#2
Quote by Acronikos
I'm not much of a lyricist so I am eager to get some feedback. Let me know what you think. This song is about heavy drug use and the uphill struggle of becoming sober. I want the song to sound like Circa Survive meets Glassjaw.

curiosity kills us all

I dread the thought
of being pulled any deeper
yet still I plunge
neglecting the risk
and just dying to live a bit

Heavy ideas - Living life to the full and taking more risks. Although, the line "and just dying to live a bit" lacks power in my opinion. Wouldn't you want to live life more than just a bit? Other than that this is a pretty cool verse (at least I think its a verse, you might want to use paragraphs in your writing. Just makes it a little bit easier for people like myself to read).

but there's no turning back on this one way road
you want to stop but something urges you on
you question if you even have control of yourself
which probably means you don't

The theme stays which is cool but in nine lines, you've not really said a lot. Okay, so your going through some kind of addiction and can't seem to help yourself. Try to paint a more imaginative picture in your audiences eye.

[chorus1]
I'm in need of a fix, that I doubt will repair me
I've endured all the sticks and stones
that you could throw at me
and here I stand without a single broken bone
Just let me out and I'll leave you alone.
I never wanted this, oh god I never wanted this...

Does the chorus end at the "...", or is this just a small part of it? It's pretty confusing the way you've set this out, not that really matters as far as the song is concerned. I really liked the line "and here I stand without a single broken bone". And can't really find anything wrong here, apart from rhyming "me" with "me", where you might have been able to be a little more exciting. Good job though, I liked this.
can you even remember the past
or feel how meaningful it's been?
is this exactly how you want your future to be spent?
I've seen glimpses of the big picture
and barely know how grand it is
but from what I can tell there's more to this
world than being trapped in a web
find your way out but never give in
show them what you're about
and wield your strength from within

The last rhymes were pretty much perfect, and is more uplifting compared to anything else so far. Things start to look on the brighter side of things... And, I could be getting this wrong, but it seems like your talking to someone you might be with and telling them to basically get out of the relationship before its too late. Thats one way you could interpret it anyway.

[chorus2]
I'm in need of a fix, that I hope can repair me,
I've endured all the sticks and stones
that you could ****ing throw at me
yet still I stand here without a single broken bone
who knew that all along I was never alone?
oh how I needed this, dear god how I needed this...

Now the 'believe in yourself' attitude is starting to get more aggressive, which is nice as it adds intensity to the end of the song, although most people tend to make the chorus the part of the song that stays the same throughout. Still, its a nice end to story I would probably work on just a tiny bit more.


Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think


This wasn't a bad piece at all man, keep up the good work.
Last edited by Alkaline 64 at Aug 15, 2011,
#3
Thank you so much for your critique!

To answer some questions:
The reason I chose the lyric "just dying to live a bit" was specifically related to the singers drug problem. He knows that all the drugs he does are bad for him and ultimately are killing him. Although he enjoys the drugs so much he would rather use drugs until he kills himself (dying to live) and the (a bit) refers to drugs and how they only keep you high temporarily.
The chorus does end at the elipse "..."

I'm really glad you saw a second interpretation within the words because the song was intended to have numerous meanings. And I'm glad you recognized that it progresses from depressing to motivational and uplifting. Thanks again for your input. I plan to add more to this and incorporate some music soon!
PM me about logos and merch

Quote by RU Experienced?
Sorry man, I only know how to program in Db.

Quote by genghisgandhi
I'm so underground that I make up bands and songs in my head and don't tell anyone about them.