#1
(I start off every draft I write with "And"
if it feels the piece is already started, well
I'm just filling my part)

And if there is love in this world
I'm sure you met it well before me
in every sense of the phrase
blue eyes that bomb the cliches
I would miss your ever-tan skin
no matter if we were in Victorian
Londan, or your throne for the kingdom
of summer
- by the pool, by the way
when you drown I won't save you
I'll bury my head in water, and pretend
it's sand, and
hope that prayers are only always left unanswered
because of distance
Between gods and men,
treaties are tenuously signed like
with fingers and breath-fogged glass
enforced by nothing, save the weather

(a few minutes later, in heaven)

I woke up in the museam today
The museam of it "ALL"
there were schematics for seeds
schematics for scithes
and in some corner, somewhere
a schematic for schematics;
as if there were no wrongs risked

I found what I was (always) looking for
Between "A Mother's Love" and
"That feeling you get on a fifth date when everything
is still pretty new, but you would swear she is already
carved in your bone like scrimshaw"

It was your face - no - your smile
and words laced through your lips like
the delicate kick in a punch bowl,
right then my hand was made to find paper
so every time "you" finished a stanza,
I would write, in Catholic-like response to your
Catholic-like call
"And..."
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#2
Quote by 12epi345
(I start off every draft I write with "And"
if it feels the piece is already started, well
I'm just filling my part)

I can't tell if this is part of the piece or not. If it is, it's a little weak to open with. If not, disregard that comment.

And if there is love in this world
I'm sure you met it well before me
in every sense of the phrase
blue eyes that bomb the cliches
I would miss your ever-tan skin
no matter if we were in Victorian
Londan, or your throne for the kingdom
of summer
- by the pool, by the way
when you drown I won't save you
I'll bury my head in water, and pretend
it's sand, and
hope that prayers are only always left unanswered
because of distance
Between gods and men,
treaties are tenuously signed like
with fingers and breath-fogged glass
enforced by nothing, save the weather

This is a pretty solid stanza. I really like the lines "hope that prayers...between gods and men". I'm not sure about "signed like / with fingers"; it feels as if 'like' shouldn't be there. I love that last line.

(a few minutes later, in heaven)

Not sure I like this line. I think you could go without it.

I woke up in the museam today
The museam of it "ALL"
there were schematics for seeds
schematics for scithes
and in some corner, somewhere
a schematic for schematics;
as if there were no wrongs risked

I like the "schematic for schematics" part, but I'm not sure how that relates to the last line. Also, I don't like "ALL" being in caps; the point gets across fine without it.

I found what I was (always) looking for
Between "A Mother's Love" and
"That feeling you get on a fifth date when everything
is still pretty new, but you would swear she is already
carved in your bone like scrimshaw"

I really like this stanza. The whole thing works really well, and I love the way you describe a fifth date.

It was your face - no - your smile
and words laced through your lips like
the delicate kick in a punch bowl,
right then my hand was made to find paper
so every time "you" finished a stanza,
I would write, in Catholic-like response to your
Catholic-like call
"And..."

I like the idea here, but the execution isn't very good. It feels jumbled and dissonant, like you couldn't quite find the way to say what you meant. The "Catholic-like" thing feels unnecessary, and it would probably flow better without the uses of "Catholic-like". The last line brings the piece back to the original point perfectly.


This piece is full of interesting ideas and phrasing, but the coherency and wording sort of fall apart as the piece progresses; it started off really strong (save for the first stanza, if that was the first stanza) and just went downhill from there until the last line. You could definitely polish this up into something really good though.

#3
you're absolutely right on most of it, invaluable advice man. thanks
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.