#1
This is another recent revision of a song that I did a really long time ago. It takes a very classic, often cliche old metaphor and beats it to death, but I've always been a big believer in making old metaphors new again by adding a clever turn of phrase or two. I'm particularly fond of the bridge. Crit4crit, per usual.

Rain Forever

Verse:
I walk along roads in the evening
Then I lie awake in my bed
Nightmares turn out to be memories
Storm clouds gather o’er my head

I'll lay in my bed until morning
And I'll wait for the sun to shine
I'll try to look for a rainbow
Same as I did each other time

Chorus:
I don't think it can rain forever
The waters wash old things away
And thunder and lightning grow distant
But some things will just never change

Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow
And if the cold starts to get to you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities will fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed

(Chorus)

Bridge:
So you drain water out of your basement
And chase demons off of your shelf
'cause you don't get less of a beating
Just by choosing to give it yourself

(Chorus)
Last edited by Devil_Duck at Aug 16, 2011,
#2
"Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities will fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed"

I really like that bit, it really flows nicely and sounds good (in my head).
Do you have a recording of this? I would quite like to hear it if you do

Nightmares turn out to be memories is a great line that I wish I had thought of -_-


Josh, Cripples and Angels.
#3
Quote by Cripplesnangels
"Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities will fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed"

I really like that bit, it really flows nicely and sounds good (in my head).
Do you have a recording of this? I would quite like to hear it if you do

Nightmares turn out to be memories is a great line that I wish I had thought of -_-


Josh, Cripples and Angels.


I would, but my recorder got effed up something awful. I'm recording an acoustic CD in October, and if this is declared a sound piece by enough people, I'll throw this on it. I'll let you know when there's a recording up.
#4
Quote by Devil_Duck
This is another recent revision of a song that I did a really long time ago. It takes a very classic, often cliche old metaphor and beats it to death, but I've always been a big believer in making old metaphors new again by adding a clever turn of phrase or two. I'm particularly fond of the bridge. Crit4crit, per usual.

Rain Forever

Verse:
I walk along roads in the evening
Then I lie awake in my bed
Nightmares turn out to be memories
Storm clouds gather o’er my head

The third line is definitely a gem. The rest of the stanza seems to compliment that line well.

I'll lay in my bed until morning
And I'll wait for the sun to shine
I'll try to look for a rainbow
Same as I did each other time

I also like this stanza, but the last line feels a bit weak.

Chorus:
I don't think it can rain forever
The waters wash old things away
And thunder and lightning grow distant
But some things will just never change

This chorus gave me a clear mental image of stormy weather and a feeling of hope. I dig it.

Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow
And if the cold starts to get to you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

The wording in this stanza feels really awkward, and most of it feels crammed in to fit the flow of the song.

Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities will fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed

By far the best verse in this piece. The third line seems a bit silly, but it works.

(Chorus)

Bridge:
So you drain water out of your basement
And chase demons off of your shelf
'cause you don't get less of a beating
Just by choosing to give it yourself

It seems like you used the word 'shelf' in the second line solely to rhyme with 'yourself' in the last. Other than that, this is pretty good.

(Chorus)


Overall, this is a pretty solid song. The only part that feels a bit off is that one verse I pointed out; the rest has nice imagery, good flow, and a few clever lines here and there. Nice work, mate.

Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 16, 2011,
#5
hmmm...This is well conceived for sure. Good job.

I agree about the awkwardness of the second verse:

Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow
And if the cold starts to get to you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

Here's a quick idea for a possible rewrite:

"The storm may sap your strength
But it'll guide your seeds to grow
If the cold overtakes your body
You can warm up inside my home"

While the syllables aren't even in every line, it seems easier to fit these into a steady rhythm than they way you had it. Then again, if you have a totally different rhythm and melody in mind then this might not work at all, but it's just a possible idea to clean it up.

Also, for the chorus, I'd like to add that starting off with "I don't think it can rain forever" sounds weak to me. How about "You know it can't rain forever"? That way it doesn't sound like you're guessing, but that you're sure. You know what I mean?

I like it though, it can be a really good song. I'm just strumming along A G D A while singing the lines to myself, just to try it on for size and it flows really well for the most part. I'd just think about changing a few things here and there to make it slightly less awkward, but it's a good piece. Never be afraid to revise. Well done!


EDIT: Also I'd just like some input on my "Tramping the Wilderness" if you ever get around to it. I think it's a similar theme to this song actually. You might provide me with a fresh point of view on it. It'd be much appreciated.
Last edited by Four-Sticks at Aug 17, 2011,
#6
I really enjoyed reading this. It had a nice rhythm that flowed very well. It reminded me of a folk rock type song. I could totally see Neil Young or John Fogerty singing this. Anyways, there were a couple lines that I didn't like. The first line of the chorus just doesn't seem like it fits. I don't know, I just think something like "It feels like it's been raining forever" would make more sense. Also the "But remind me of..." line really throws off the flow. Anyways, nice job, and I look forward to reading more from you.

Crit mine please
Can't Argue With That
#7
Thanks guys. I'm short on time right now, but I'll hopefully jump on some crits late tonight or tomorrow morning. If I don't, I expect y'all to call me out for being a lazy flaker.
#8
Rain Forever

Verse:
I walk along roads in the evening
Then I lie awake in my bed
Nightmares turn out to be memories
Storm clouds gather o’er my head

Perhaps “In the evening’s I walk along the road” or
Perhaps “This evening I walked along the road”
Then “Nightmares turned out to be memories”

The first verse could be just fine without any of the above changes.
I haven’t quite got a feel for how it is sung and it’s throwing me off.


I'll lay in my bed until morning
And I'll wait for the sun to shine
I'll try to look for a rainbow
Same as I did each other time

The last line needs something.


Chorus:
I don't think it can rain forever
The waters wash old things away
And thunder and lightning grow distant
But some things will just never change

Instead of “And thunder” try “The thunder”
The “But” in the fourth line bothers me and the whole line
seems forced.


Verse:
A good storm can dampen an evening
But sure seems to help things to grow
And if the cold starts to get to you
Come to me, I'll give you a home

I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m thinking, but it just doesn’t grab me.

Valleys can turn into oceans
And cities will fade over time
And rainbows may be over-rated
But remind me of mountains I've climbed

This is a very good verse. I love it. More of this, please!

(Chorus)

Bridge:
So you drain water out of your basement
And chase demons off of your shelf
'cause you don't get less of a beating
Just by choosing to give it yourself

Another very good verse. I like the way you write.

As Mark Twain said, the seven rules to good writing are:
Revise, revise, revise, revise, revise, revise, revise.


(Chorus)

I like the song and the writing style. I think you should give it a bit and then revise it again. Polish it until you know it’s golden. I will be very interested in the finished product.


C4C
Depraved
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1472585
#9
Is it weird that I hear this as a Disney princess ballad?
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