#1
Crumbling

Empty your veins
Fill your spine
Drowned in your mind

I'm diving in
In a sea of blood
Filling up my mouth

And nothing makes sense
In this crumbling town
Looking forward to the day
When the sun never goes down

But don't fight
Or be afraid
Don't worry why
you've got not reason to even try

Frictionless skin
Sown shut mouth
Trying to sing out

And nothing makes sense
In this crumbling town
Looking forward to the day
That the sun never goes down

I Don't even know
What is real and not
Lost my mind with no lost & found

It's too hard
To even try
Try to get by

And i'm no longer the same
Tired,bored and mad
Living my life in vain
Dig my own grave in desert sand

But i won't fight
Or be afraid
Don't worry why
I have no reason to even try


Looking forward to your critique, whent for a more sparing and direct approach o nthis one.
My gear:
  • Fender American Standard Telecaster
  • Ibanez RG450
  • Laney VC15
  • Electro Harmonix HOG
  • Vox Satchurator
  • Blackout Effectors Musket fuzz
  • Electro Harmonix Pulsar
  • Earthquaker Devices Disaster Transport
  • Malekko Chicklett

#2
The first thing that jumps out about this one too me is simply that the imagery is almost all very well worn tropes and they are not used in anyway that makes them more interesting. I don't feel I can get under the skin of what you are trying to say because I'm so used to the imagery and ideas that you intent is some what lost to my preconceived ideas.

That said there are flashes of interesting stuff mixed in there like "Fill your spine, Drowned in your mind" and "Frictionless skin"... these concepts are interesting and you really need to explore around what they mean and what you are trying to say with them. Instead we get follow ups like "sea of blood" and "Sown shut mouth Trying to sing out" which are so worn out that they don't really say anything.

You should be able to write a whole song based on the premise of "frictionless skin", hell use it as a title... but try and avoid falling in to the trap of using well know phrases and ideas when doing so. By being more direct (and I've not read the rest of your work so I guessing here) you are lapsing in to telling rather than showing which can work but unless you are telling me these things in new and interesting ways it becomes dull.

Over all it's not bad, just most typical and would have been a bit bland with out some of the real nice turn of phrase that use in a number of lines.... In the end I come out thinking about a stereotype and not what I'm sure you are trying to get across.
#3
Quote by hotcod32
crit



Thanks alot for the critique!

I definetly understand what your saying and i agree, some of the stuff in this is pretty unnecessary and i will change it. I kinda was doubting this text all along and you gave me some stuff to think about, i especially am afraid of becoming a cliché so thanks for reminding me of that. I'm actually gonna remake this one quite drastically, like you said it didn't tell a story. But that's why i posted it here, to get more ideas for it. Thanks again!

Edit: Oh and the "living my life in vain" line is kind of a tribute to one of my greatest heroes Daniel Johnston, just so you know.
My gear:
  • Fender American Standard Telecaster
  • Ibanez RG450
  • Laney VC15
  • Electro Harmonix HOG
  • Vox Satchurator
  • Blackout Effectors Musket fuzz
  • Electro Harmonix Pulsar
  • Earthquaker Devices Disaster Transport
  • Malekko Chicklett

Last edited by Gord@k at Aug 16, 2011,