#1
crit4crit
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT

The commercial said the Devil's advocate
Will always work for you pro bono,
And I saw the face of God getting cut up
On a season of Extreme Makeover.
I wanted to order new carpeting
So I could sweep my sins under the rug,
But I have nice hardwood floors beneath
So I'll polish them 'til the trees forgive us.

Don't live your life too long
It'll turn into a sad one;
A million choices before your eyes
And you're bound to make a bad one.

Lady Luck is sprawled out naked
On the floor looking ripe and beautiful,
But you would demand she put some clothes on
If she had exposed her treacherous soul.
And when your love breaks all his promises
You could always buy more at the store,
Just remember that chivalry died
Right between the automatic doors.

Don't live your life too long
It'll turn into a sad one;
A million choices before your eyes
And you're bound to make a bad one.

I need no help up
That's just the weight of the world;
My own dirty laundry
Is a much heavier load.
And I want to wash them in
The Jordan River,
But a dam of bones
Is blocking the flow.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 18, 2011,
#2
i like the chorus i think it fits the song like a key
and i like the ideas your dealing with in the main stanzas
also nice execution
#3
The commercial said the Devil's advocate
Will always work for you pro bono,
And I saw the face of God getting cut up
On a season of Extreme Makeover.
I wanted to order new carpeting
So I could sweep my sins under the rug,
But I have nice hardwood floors beneath
So I'll polish them 'til the trees forgive us.

Top stuff man, I like it. Some great metaphors aswell (like "sweep my sins under the rug" for instance) I love the idea that 'your polishing your wooden floor until the trees forgive you' too How did you come up with that?

Don't live your life too long
It'll turn into a sad one;
A million choices before your eyes
And you're bound to make a bad one.

This is a really strong chorus. And gets the point across superbly. Well done to you, sir.

Lady Luck is sprawled out naked
On the floor looking ripe and beautiful,
But you would demand she put some clothes on
If she had exposed her treacherous soul.
And when your love breaks all his promises
You could always buy more at the store,
Just remember that chivalry died
Right between the automatic doors.

It's strange to me how you mention a chivalry, and then straight after automatic doors... Maybe I'm just nitpicking, but the contrast doesn't really work for me. Don't have a real problem with anything before that.

I need no help up
That's just the weight of the world;
My own dirty laundry
Is a much heavier load.
And I want to wash it in
The Jordan River,
But a dam of bones
Is blocking the flow.

Seriously, those are some really good ideas. But if you were referring to your "dirty laundry" - wouldn't you want to wash them in the Jordan River?


Keep up the awesome work dude, much more interesting than the stuff I write anyway. Good stuff!
#4
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT

The commercial said the Devil's advocate
Will always work for you pro bono,
Always suspect that which is freely given?
And I saw the face of God getting cut up
On a season of Extreme Makeover.
We are an image of our creator, yet never happy without perfection?
I wanted to order new carpeting
So I could sweep my sins under the rug,
We want to hide that which we are?
But I have nice hardwood floors beneath
So I'll polish them 'til the trees forgive us.
You seek redemption, instead?

I like it. That’s a lot to say in that many lines.

Don't live your life too long
It'll turn into a sad one;
A million choices before your eyes
And you're bound to make a bad one.

I view this as a pessimist giving a supposed truth and fearing it just might be.
I like it. I think line 2 could use some work.


Lady Luck is sprawled out naked
On the floor looking ripe and beautiful,
I love the imagery!!!
But you would demand she put some clothes on
If she had exposed her treacherous soul.
Ouch. I like the way you take us to one level then pile drive us down to another.
And when your love breaks all his promises
You could always buy more at the store,
Not sure about these lines, so I will stay neutral.
Just remember that chivalry died
Right between the automatic doors.
I like the truth of it. Now, how about:
Just remember that chivalry died
on the birth of automatic doors.


Don't live your life too long
It'll turn into a sad one;
A million choices before your eyes
And you're bound to make a bad one.

I need no help up
That's just the weight of the world;
My own dirty laundry
Is a much heavier load.
And I want to wash them in
The Jordan River,
But a dam of bones
Is blocking the flow.

Not sure what your trying to say. It needs to flow more. I did like the last two lines.

This piece certainly made me think and has genius sprinkled throughout. Two thumbs up!!!


C4C
Depraved
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1472585
#5
"Don't live your life too long
It'll turn into a sad one;
A million choices before your eyes
And you're bound to make a bad one."

I sense bad decisions and not learning from them is repeating in a vicious cycle in life. Thus trying to explain to someone about the personal experience wont make them stop.

"Lady Luck is sprawled out naked
On the floor looking ripe and beautiful"

Great stuff with describtion. Lust and temptation in the face of the narrator.
SOn't understand the word pro bono, reminds me of bono from u2 and his appearence.
#6
I never feel I can properly critique your pieces. They're always lush with good metaphors, similes, descriptions, and clever word play/messing with phrases. This is great stuff as always, not my favorite, but not a letdown at all. The concluding stanza was perfect.
#7
Quote by blake1221
I never feel I can properly critique your pieces. They're always lush with good metaphors, similes, descriptions, and clever word play/messing with phrases. This is great stuff as always, not my favorite, but not a letdown at all. The concluding stanza was perfect.

This, but phrased less eloquently so as to suit my usual way of speaking
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.