#1
you might not be aware


yeah its a while now
since you've been around
and its a little weird
to see you standing here

and im not to sure
if youre the cause or cure
for how i feel inside
head in the pillow i just want to hide

your teeth and crooked smile
i hope this lasts a while
lets go some place new
just want to be with you


lets get this whole thing done
the games just begun
but i feel like you feel like
youve already won
but you still want to play the game like
weve always done

i would love criticism thank you
Last edited by noreservations at Aug 18, 2011,
#2
The "it's a little weird" line was weak in my opinion. "Weird" is just too bland of a word. Not a fan of "crooked smile". It just doesn't seem like a description you would use for someone you want to be with. This piece here is a good start, but I think it would benefit from you fleshing it out more. Gives you to chance to explain things better. Anyways, I did enjoy reading this, especially the second stanza. I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Can't Argue With That