#1
sleep with me


it's a long walk, those innumerable blocks
when really what keeps us apart is anyone's guess
it's not time or distance or the cotton of your dress
(i'm even with you as the continents shift
as each of our faults becomes more and more evident)
it's not our sun, but it's not theirs either
it's not the air and it's not the weather
some days you say it's the bruises on my hands
the ones supposed to remind me to be better
but all they do is make it painful to touch anything with love
makes me not believe in you or God or anything or whatever.
it's not me standing in the foyer of some rundown farmhouse
kissing another teal-eyed could-have-been
and it's not the way you look at me when you show up with him
it's not about what you think or that we've had too much to drink but-

when you wake me at dawn
i half-remember a dream
where you never woke me at all.
it's a long walk, those blocks.
#2
love this.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
This was damn good. It teetered on the edge of too wordy in the middle, but there was never a wasted line. I'm very impressed, as this has been the best read here in a while.
#4
that was painfully good.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#6
Quote by hippieboy444
i didn't fall in love with the writing but what you're getting at is what makes this good.


That's exactly what I thought when I finished reading this piece. It wasn't amazingly well-written (better than most of the stuff around here, but not the greatest), but the subtle idea(s) that you touch on are what made this an enjoyable and interesting read.

Now, if you could make the piece itself equally good and interesting, I'd really be impressed. As it is, I feel like it's a slightly lackluster delivery of an interesting metaphor. I think the biggest thing I'd suggest working on is your word economy; really look at every word and decide whether there's a better way to say what you're saying, and in fewer (but more powerful) words.

EDIT: I almost forgot to mention that I really like your use of rhymes throughout the piece. They felt so natural and smooth that I only barely noticed them the first time I read it. Nice work, mate.

-

Would you care to give me a few quick words on my latest piece? It's the first link in my sig if you wouldn't mind.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 18, 2011,