#1
C4C, as always.

This rubber cenotaph
slows the circulation
to my left hand,
reminding me of something
newborn (red)
and vibrating with frailty,
like a foal who cannot yet walk
or an apple
that should not yet be plucked
(stolen)
from the tree.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 18, 2011,
#2
Overall, good descriptive words and flow. i was able to understand this read. i broke it down and wrote down my interpretation of the peice.

"This rubber cenotaph
slows the circulation
to my left hand,"

1) Hand is weak and frail from slow circulation, could be a numb sensation with rubber.
2) Trying to grab my thoughts around cenotaph- tomb erected in honor of a group who remain elsewhere.
that word cenotaph could link with stolen in the final passage for the apple. Unsure with the word though. How the word ties to the rest of the peice.
3) Good describion for the third passage with the word(s) rubber and circulation. It ties with weak/frail of your left hand.

"reminding me of something
newborn (red)
and vibrating with frailty,"

1) newborn = foul
2) red = apple
3) vibrating = exciting with new life with the apple and foul
4) Frailty = weakness/frail

"like a foal who cannot yet walk
or an apple
that should not yet be plucked
(stolen)
from the tree."

1) Spring ? autumn. Apple stolen from the tree because winter is coming or the individual or animal needs the apple.
a) winter is coming and the apple and foul wont survive the climate. foul might
live because of the mother.
b) animal or human need the apple to eat. apple used for food.
c) eve stoled the apple from the tree. (adam and eve story in the bible)
temptated by the snake, plucket the apple from the tree

2) Apple hasn't fully grown to become rich and great. Possibe that the apple has slow circulation and hasnt been fully developed.
a)Good describition in the first passage when you tied the young horse (foal) who cannot walk.
b)Hope that life would take care of the apple and foul without being strained prematurely.
c)tree could be linked with cenotaph.

Those are my thoughts and reflections from your work. hopefully it helps.
#3
I liked this piece. It took me a couple reads to figure out how all of the images fit together but it comes out to me quite obvious now; it's the Adam and Eve story (whether that is the intented story or not, that is how it seems to me.) And with that story this all fits together very well, with well-picked words I think. Great work Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#4
jod23: I used the word 'cenotaph' in a very general sense, meant to describe any object or marker serving as a reminder of something that's gone; in this case, a rubber band worn on my wrist. I think you nailed the rest; the foal and apple are used as symbols of immaturity, youth, weakness, etc, which ties back to the rubber band cutting off circulation.

24WildRovers: While it wasn't a conscious decision to incorporate the Adam and Eve thing, the actual subject of this piece fits that story very well, so I guess it naturally crept into the piece.

I'm glad you guys seemed to grasp the idea of this piece fairly well; I figured it was a bit vague, but I guess it gets the point across. Thank you both for the critiques.
#5
my biggest complaint is why? why is this rubber band a sudden symbol of lost youth? i enjoyed the description of it well enough, but it's a show piece for me because i have no connection to your rubber band and historically rubber bands aren't significantly noted as a symbol of youth. if there's a back story, then include it in the piece.

this isn't directed at you exclusively but something i've noticed lately with a lot of the newer writers here is they're far too concerned with imagery and syntax and pacing and etc. etc. and while all of those things are great when used correctly, they're supposed to be gloss for what is generally the building block for all art: relatability. what i'm saying is, make me care about your rubber band, so i care about your lost youth.

i enjoyed the callback rhyme in the last line and the nature motif in relation to youth. having stolen as its own line breaks up the flow a bit for me. blah blah blah more boring technique nitpicking blah blah blah etc. etc.

anyway yeah, it's not like this is actually terrible or anything. it's just all style no substance for me, but keep at it, you're still miles ahead of most the stuff that gets posted here.
#7
Quote by Winter Sky
Thanks for the helpful critique. I frequently struggle with making my work relatable, and it's nice to be reminded that I need to keep working on that.

I could actually relate to it pretty well, since I have a few wristbands that were given to me by friends.


Not really a crit , but I have to say that I loved this piece a lot.
#8
The word "cenotaph" has now been added to Blake's vocabulary. We thank you for your contribution.

My favorite piece from you so far. It was far more tangible than those from my recent memory, and the parenthetic quips were a great addition. The description of the foal and apple was perfect, and your diction and word choice were flawless (to me, anyways). Good consistent flow as well. I have nothing to critique, just praise.