#1
Misplacing the opposite
end of the spectrum
The wild roundabout
Misguiding me back here

Rising with the joy,
mania and dance
My mislaid stigma
Bereaved Vague memory

Debunking the beauty
My long expected turn
Pushing the hand back
Restart this cycle

This doesn't end,
and it can't start.

__________________

C4C as usual.

I could really use some criticism here guys
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 22, 2011,
#2
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Misplacing the opposite
end of the spectrum Slightly mindbending image, I didnt understand it at first
The wild roundabout
Misguiding me back here Strong imagery here

Rising with the joy,
mania and dance I think there should be some form of punctuation here, maybe I'm wrong
My mislaid stigma
Bereaved Vague memory why did you capitalize "vague"

Debunking the beauty
My long expected turn
Pushing the hand back
Restart this cycle Don't understand this

This doesn't end,
and it can't start. Nice ending, really communicates the feeling of being stuck in a cycle


Ok, I'm going to try to critique this but I'm no expert and probably my points won't be valid, but I'm going to give a shot anyway.

I've read this 3 times now and so far I don't really understand what it's about (maybe because English is my second language), I understand that it might be about someone stuck in a cycle of failing and keeps falling in it, despite their attempts to rise up.

I like your use of imagery, but I feel your use of punctuation makes this a hard read (for me at least). MY main problem is that I'm incapable of really critiquing this, as I dont really understand it.

This is probably the crappiest critique and probably wasn't helpful at all, I hope you don't see this as a negative critique, it's mostly because I don't really understand it.
#3
Same as the guy before me, I'm no critique but I'll do my best!
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Misplacing the opposite
end of the spectrum - These first two lines take me too long to interpret, and I think it's because of that word 'Misplacing'.. what's being misplaced?
The wild roundabout
Misguiding me back here

Rising with the joy,
mania and dance -
My mislaid stigma
Bereaved Vague memory - This stanza is perfect, nice touch with the final line.

Debunking the beauty
My long expected turn
Pushing the hand back - I can't figure out if you mean the hand of a human or the hand of a clock here for some reason.
Restart this cycle - the word 'repeat' strikes me as more effective for this line.

This doesn't end,
and it can't start. - Sick ending.

This took me a couple reads to develop some kind of understanding but I ended up really enjoying the meaning once I made the interpretation. Nice job!
#4
Quote by felakutihimself
Ok, I'm going to try to critique this but I'm no expert and probably my points won't be valid, but I'm going to give a shot anyway.

You're a reader and that's what's important to me
I've read this 3 times now and so far I don't really understand what it's about (maybe because English is my second language), I understand that it might be about someone stuck in a cycle of failing and keeps falling in it, despite their attempts to rise up.

Well that's really close, it's mostly about Bipolar Disorder and being stuck in cycles of 'happy' and 'sad'.
I like your use of imagery, but I feel your use of punctuation makes this a hard read (for me at least). MY main problem is that I'm incapable of really critiquing this, as I dont really understand it.

This is probably the crappiest critique and probably wasn't helpful at all, I hope you don't see this as a negative critique, it's mostly because I don't really understand it.

Or lack thereof I realize now that I didn't add any punctuation, except for a couple of lines. My bad.

Thanks for the crit, and I think it was helpful to get some feedback. You don't need to be a professional poetry critic, but just a reader.
These first two lines take me too long to interpret, and I think it's because of that word 'Misplacing'.. what's being misplaced?

"the opposite end.." But really, that's just about the only answer I can give.
I can't figure out if you mean the hand of a human or the hand of a clock here for some reason.

Hand of a clock
Quote by kLeft
This took me a couple reads to develop some kind of understanding but I ended up really enjoying the meaning once I made the interpretation. Nice job!

Well that's good, I was afraid I was being too nonsensical or something.

Thanks for the crits and comments guys
#5
Misplacing the opposite
end of the spectrum
The wild roundabout
Misguiding me back here (You could probably remove the last word “here&rdquo

Rising with the joy,
mania and dance
My mislaid stigma (What is this? Do I have one? How do I know? Oh, crap!)
Bereaved Vague memory

Debunking the beauty
My long expected turn
Pushing the hand back
Restart this cycle (How about “only to watch it return&rdquo

This doesn't end,
and it can't start.

(Seems to simplistic in contrast to the whole. Perhaps something like this?)

It’s not that it doesn’t end
Rather, how did it start?


Overall, I like this piece. I think it needs a slight polishing to be perfect. Of course this is only my opinion and you know what they say about that.

It certainly encompasses the way I have viewed my life at times. I would say it does this for a lot of people making it very relatable.

Good Job!


C4C
Depraved
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1472585
#6
It was really hard,
to get any rhythm,
going in this style,
it's so staccato.


I know I'm not one to talk about line breaks, but I really think trying to keep things so visually even took away from this.
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