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#1
For earthquakes we have the Richter scale.
For wind force we have the Beaufort scale.
For tornados we have the Enhanced Fujita Scale.

However, for the phenomenon Hangover, a proper scale was lacking.
Named in honour of Murphy (from Murphy's Law fame) we now have version one of the Murphy Scale of Hangovers.

The base index goes from 0 to 10, with the extended scale beyond.

Base scale:

• Category 0 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You haven't had any alcoholic drinks in the past 48 hours. (And no excessive drinking before that!) You're properly hydrated. You have no hangover.

• Category 1 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
Nothing to worry about. However, you do, subconsciously, take an extra cup of coffee. The hangover self-test (vigorously shaking ones head) turns out negative.

• Category 2 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You hit the snooze button on the alarm clock once. You take an extra cup of coffee and add a glass of water, orange juice, iced tea or the like. The hangover self-test turns positive, a head ache appears briefly.

• Category 3 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
Hmmmmm... You hit the snooze button three times. Out of bed, the first thing you do is take a leak. You drink warm water while showering. You could use an energy drink. If you smoke, you really need a cigarette now. You're in luck, a package remains, under the table but of course there are no cigarettes left in it and there is no lighter in sight. The hangover self-test turns out decidedly positive. So much so that you do not want to repeat it.

• Category 4 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
Forget snooze, you've switched the alarm off. A while later your bladder forces you out of bed to take a piss. Speaking of piss, it smells markedly different than normal, rather chemical to be more precise. While you bend over for the fallen tube of tooth paste, you note that you're NOT going to take the hangover self-test. Unfortunately you'll have to bend over at least once more, to reach for the part-baked croissants: you're hungry!

• Category 5 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
The alarm clock failed to wake you. Not falling over while taking a leak takes effort, both because it takes so long and your coordination is affected. Your head feels like there's a thumbtack in it and your mouth feels like there's a small dead bird in it. A pile of stinking clothes is on the floor. Time to make yourself an omelet, with lots of mayonnaise. Add a painkiller.

• Category 6 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You know you're laying still yet the world keeps spinning. A mild retch forces its way up. Water. Coffee. Fat calorie-laden food. A stronger painkiller. The thumbtack is now a big nail. The small bird is now a sparrow. A specific part of your brain sends sharp bursts of pain out, the rest of it just a general throbbing. You vow never to drink this much again. Driving a car now would result in DWI so you slowly walk to the local take-away for food and drink. Fighting nausea is involved.

• Category 7 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
Slowly you realize that coffee isn't going to do much good at this point. Lots of water appears to be the only remedy but that involves getting out of bed. The only thing you desire right now is to sleep it off. As ingenious as this idea appears to you now, your bladder foils the plan. You stumble your way to the bathroom. Leaning against the wall you take notice of your blood-shot eyes and decide to do absolutely nothing for the remainder of the day. Last night is completely fragmented. Your mates, those empty bottles, the midget with the weird proposal in that alley... First you empty the few remaining bags of crisps, a leftover from last night. You do so with the absolute minimum of movement. Once the crisps have decided to stay in your stomach you can crawl to the medicine cabinet. The nail is now a rail spike. The sparrow is now a dove. You'd wish for the cabinet to hold morphine. At this point, cleaning up of puke may be involved.

• Category 8 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You want to raise your head. You barely manage to do so and immediately decide to leave it at this one gesture. What the hell happened last night? A fat lip is a clue. Fortunately you don't have to get dressed because you still are. The fact that you and your clothes smell of booze and cigarette smoke doesn't matter. You experience a sense of relief because you appear to have puked NEXT TO your bed, not IN it. You manage to find something suitable to throw up in and a bottle with drinkable fluid and you make it to the couch. Now for the remote control...
... Half an hour later you wake again. You're lying face-down on the table. Rmote Cntrol!!!1 When you finally find the remote, you put on The Discovery Channel, with both the volume AND the screen brightness dialed very low. The puke, and the rest of the world for that matter, will be dealt with later. First you need that steel dowel removed from your head. You leave the dead condor where it is, you're going to avoid human contact for the rest of the day anyway.

• Category 9 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You want to raise your head but you fail to do so. An invisible force, well in fact a tremendous pain, keeps your head down. Is this what it's like to be dead? Your tongue appears stuck to your lip. Once you separated the two you sense that a piece of tooth is missing. That's enough physical exercise for now.
Later that evening, once you've deemed it safe enough to crawl down the stairs, you find the missing bit of tooth. You're not lucid enough to connect the considerable bruising and scraping on your knee to the dental mishap. You order a big doner dish, on tab, and three bottles of soda. You're awoken by the delivery guy. You have your meal, sitting on the floor, next to the front door. No matter that you have no fork. After you barf most of the meal back into its original container you manage to reach the couch. Instead of wondering why there is a packet of Lucky Strikes on the table, you light one. After some more puking you manage to get on the couch and fall asleep. The headache is off the scale. The dizziness insane. Sleep until I-don't-care-what-time.

• Category 10 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You want to raise your head but you fail to do so. An additional force keeps it down, the nature of which is acidic, lumpy and sticky. With effort you come to realize that you've puked yourself onto something. It turns out to be the door mat. You have no idea what happened. It doesn't matter, really, the door mat is soft. You don't have an urge to take a pee. That's because you have already done so. With your clothes still on. It's quite cool and airy anyway, right outside your own front door, with soaked pants. In a brief and panicky moment of comparative clarity you wonder if you should call the emergency number. Your phone however appears to have suffered terminally from the urine. Then you notice that it's not your phone anyway. You slide back into a coma for a while. Awake again, the pain is so bad you're hallucinating. There is a big bloody rave going in Painville! Is this the bitter end? No. It's bitter all-right, but that's because you've just hurled bile. "I think, therefore I am" is the one thing you cling onto. The dog from the neighbours sniffs your pants and gobbles a few chunks of your puke. The absurdity of which doesn't even register. You'll long for tomorrow, hoping to, by then, be down to Category 7.


The Extended scale of the Murphy Scale of Hangovers.

• Category 11 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You slowly wake up in a room you don't recognize. It may look like the living room of your parents. The people who observe you from the couch appear both worried and elated. Come to think of it, they resemble your parents... Wait, what?
Your mom tells you it's already evening again and that you're in the living room because you have to be woken up every hour, doctor's advice. An unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling in your throat and esophagus is explained, also by your mother. Something or other with pumping the content of your stomach. Meanwhile you can't escape the impression that your father is smirking somewhat. The stories your mate tells you about the previous night are as embarrassing as they are absent from your own memory. The terrible photos on Facebook, as well as those nasty messages in your inbox trigger the same results. The hospital report proves that not all high scores are to be proud of.

• Category 12 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You are awakened by a menacing beat. Bright pulsing colors cross your vision. Your parents are cool, they are at the party too! And a guy with what appears to be a lab coat. They do seem very happy. You want to say something to them, but the only sound you can utter is "whuuuurggllhheeeyy". The pounding bass subsides and only the beeps remain, which sound remarkably like those from a cardiac monitor. Your parents talk to you. You understand the words but you don't understand a single bit about you being found in a sand box. The white coat turns out to be a doctor. He jokes about you having lost a considerable amount of IQ points. His face doesn't look like he is joking though. Especially when he utters the words "possible lasting brain damage"...

• Category 13 on the Murphy Scale of Hangovers
You can only end up in category 13 once. It's final, though not necessarily fatal, mind you. You'll be either dead or brain damaged close to the level of a vegetable. Regardless of which it is, you don't need to vow on this one: you REALLY had your last binge.


I've been one of the contributors to the translation of this one from Dutch, have fun with it. From now on, you can objectively compare various hangovers.
If I'm high, does that make me a Flying Dutchman?

Legal weed, windmills, clogs, and speed cameras. Welcome to the Netherlands!
Last edited by McGryphon at Aug 21, 2011,
#2
Is "Murphy" included in the name of the dutch version?
I'mCool

Quote by StewieSwan
Don't you have some tourists to beat up?

Quote by Zoot Allures
Nah he's too busy feeling like a big man hitting women he knows to 'put them in their place'.
#3
How do you mean? The dutch version is called after Murphy too if that's what you're asking.
It's because hangovers are a form of going wrong, and they turn up whenever you're hindered most by them.
If I'm high, does that make me a Flying Dutchman?

Legal weed, windmills, clogs, and speed cameras. Welcome to the Netherlands!
#4
Had 'em all. 13 ain't so bad.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#5
Quote by McGryphon
How do you mean? The dutch version is called after Murphy too if that's what you're asking.
It's because hangovers are a form of going wrong, and they turn up whenever you're hindered most by them.


Aye yeah thats what I asking, just wasn't sure if the dutch would understand the Murphy thing.
I'mCool

Quote by StewieSwan
Don't you have some tourists to beat up?

Quote by Zoot Allures
Nah he's too busy feeling like a big man hitting women he knows to 'put them in their place'.
#6
Paul's law from the Murphy's Law collection says "you can't fall off the floor." Paul never drank, did he...
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#8
Quote by darkstar2466
Paul's law from the Murphy's Law collection says "you can't fall off the floor." Paul never drank, did he...

Apparently not. You can most definitely fall off the floor.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#9
Looks like were about a category 5 today..

Cool scale Mcgryphon, I may have to favorite this for future reference.
#10
I've been in between a 7 & 8 before, awful night, not going to repeat it any time soon...pretty sure the weed made the morning less terrible...haven't gotten drunk since.
#12
Quote by McGryphon
Your mouth feels like there's a small dead bird in it.


Best feeling in the world.
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#14
Quote by Eric_Fail
Aye yeah thats what I asking, just wasn't sure if the dutch would understand the Murphy thing.

Well, it was devised by a bunch of people who frequent the biggest dutch computer forum there is
Quote by Zeppelin Addict
Looks like were about a category 5 today..

Cool scale Mcgryphon, I may have to favorite this for future reference.

I'm just spreading the word actually, the scale itself was thought up by others. I only added something to the translation.
Speaking of which, if anyone catches irregularities in the language, let me know.
If I'm high, does that make me a Flying Dutchman?

Legal weed, windmills, clogs, and speed cameras. Welcome to the Netherlands!
#16
This is very spinal tap. You can get 13/10?

Also, as much as I would like a means of measuring hangover, this scale has some major flaws.

EDIT: Worst I've had is about a 7
Guitars & Gear:
Parker Nitefly M
Sumer Metal Driver
Ibanez RGD2120Z
AMT SS-11B
Two Notes Torpedo CAB
Last edited by Emperor's Child at Aug 21, 2011,
#18
Been at catagory 9, that was 2 years ago, completely threw me off drinking neat ouzo all night. Catagory 5 to 7 is quite regular though.
The time has come for all to see

The men behind the curtain cast at you disease



Yours Sincerely
#19
Quote by RhythmsFallSlow
Hardest I've been is a 6

That's what she said about you.
If I'm high, does that make me a Flying Dutchman?

Legal weed, windmills, clogs, and speed cameras. Welcome to the Netherlands!
#20
Hit an 8 just over a week ago. Not looking to relive that anytime soon.
My signature lacks content. It is, however, blue.
#21
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Hangovers are for little girls.

Absolutely. If you get them up to an 8 or a 9 they can't remember shit from the night before.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#22
Quote by Jackal58
Absolutely. If you get them up to an 8 or a 9 they can't remember shit from the night before.



Ok see when someone my age says jokes like those, it's obviously a joke. When YOU say them, it's just ****ing creepy.
#23
No reason to ever drink till you have to get your stomach pumped to live...

Quote by SeveralSpecies
Ok see when someone my age says jokes like those, it's obviously a joke. When YOU say them, it's just ****ing creepy.


Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
Last edited by darkstar2466 at Aug 21, 2011,
#24
^ And even then, Alcohol is the real solution
Guitars & Gear:
Parker Nitefly M
Sumer Metal Driver
Ibanez RGD2120Z
AMT SS-11B
Two Notes Torpedo CAB
#25
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Ok see when someone my age says jokes like those, it's obviously a joke. When YOU say them, it's just ****ing creepy.


bit of ageism goin on there
I'mCool

Quote by StewieSwan
Don't you have some tourists to beat up?

Quote by Zoot Allures
Nah he's too busy feeling like a big man hitting women he knows to 'put them in their place'.
#26
Quote by Eric_Fail
bit of ageism goin on there



Pffff. What do you know, you stupid younger! <---- (ageist slur)
#27
Worst I've been was 8.
Very much enjoyed reading that, nice post
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PARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY
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PARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY
#28
Worst I've ever had is a 4. Standard night is a 2 I think, minus the headache. I don't get hangovers. Yet.
I shall grant you three wishes.

None of which will work.


Does the above post enrage, offend or confuse you?

Good.


I like my women how I like my guitars. Curvy and like it when I finger them.
#29
Quote by Eric_Fail
bit of ageism goin on there

(Invalid img)

On a different note, I'd say category 7 or 8.
#30
This is kind of weird, but I don't even really get hangovers unless I've puked the night before. The weird part is that some days I drink, I've gotten more drunk than other times where I've puked. But I never got a hangover.
Last edited by Dregen at Aug 21, 2011,
#32
Never been sick the next day, seem to get it all up the night before. Last time I got off my face I woke up the next morning with bile all over my clothes.


Not nice.
#33
I've seen this exact same thread before. Like a few months ago.
I think it was you who posted it as well TS.

Edit: Okay. Maybe it wasn't but this has been done not long back I think.

Edit: Edit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1441573&highlight=Murphy+scale
Okay maybe not a thread, but you did post this in a drunken state thread.
Last edited by SG_dave at Aug 21, 2011,
#35
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Ok see when someone my age says jokes like those, it's obviously a joke. When YOU say them, it's just ****ing creepy.

My work here is finished.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#37
I drunk quite a lot yesterday, but only ended up with a category 2 hangover. Worst I've had, is #7.
Quote by Kensai
You'll find whisky very different, but try it and you'll grow into it, soon you and whisky are one, but still two, lovers dancing across a frozen lake under moonlight, wrapped in honey and warmth.


Sums up whisky perfectly
#38
I demand a different scale!
I've woken up in my own puke 2 times. But other then the puke I didn't go over 1.


EDIT:
Quote by conor-figgy
...But one thing I never get is a headache....
Same here


Gozd in gora poj,
silen ženimo hrup,
uboga gmajna, le vpup, le vkup,
le vkup, le vkup z menoj,
staro pravdo v mrak tulimo,
da se pretulimo skozi to zimo
Last edited by JamSessionFreak at Aug 21, 2011,
#39
Somewhere between a 4 and a 5, but the headache was more like a 7. And the sleeping thing isn't applicable to me. If I drank the night before, once I wake up I can't go back to sleep, no matter what.
Quote by Butt Rayge
Pretty sure Jesus was decaffeinated.


I'm just a hedonist without happiness
#40
Quote by JamSessionFreak
I demand a different scale!
I've woken up in my own puke 2 times. But other then the puke I didn't go over 1.


EDIT:
Same here



Are you sure it wasn't someone else's vomit? I mean, they can't dust for vomit, so it might've been someone else's...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBCSMjHJAvg
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