#1
i'll never forget the bloom
welfare stares bond the new
white gold stars swallowing up the crescent moon
i'll never forget the room
(the dust, the songs, the smoke)
where i walked in to you
nursing Gin and schoolgirl crushes
(thinking contact me immediately,
we need context for our indifferent longings)
the grit of your lip, soft & fragrant
wrestling between my teeth
(pull back to smile at me occasionally
please please be another me
but you can't help me ease my blanket insecurity
and still i try, still i wonder why?)
as you lay next to me,
trace your name out on my naked body
i feel less and less a man
each time you take your place upon my chest
(some hollowed out vessel i've filled with my unrest, my existential dread)
but i take my shoes from underneath your bed,
never stopping to wonder what happens next
never been brave enough to put three on a match,
so i leave you with the moon and what little kindness i have left -
one unlit cigarette and a trail of ash.
.

(nausea)
Last edited by NGD1313 at Aug 23, 2011,
#2
your sonics here got me wet in the pants.

didnt like "and still i try, still i wonder why?" seemed there for the sake of rhyme or for the sake of being there. didnt advance anything.

great piece. not perfect of course, but if you touch this too much you'll strip a lot of its raw charm
#3
This is good stuff. I like
(pull back to smile at me occasionally
please please be another me
but you can't help me ease my blanket insecurity
and still i try, still i wonder why?)
unlike synth, 'cause it's like a little pop song buried inside something different, and I dug that.

I disliked the grammar of "vessel i've fill with my unrest" and would have said "i've filled" or "i've to fill," myself. I also disliked the capitalization of the word "Gin."

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.