#1
C4C as usual

__________
Saw you drowning
Panicking, in tears
I couldn't touch you
Eight thousand miles

I fall.

Woke up sweating
Silence stifled me
I wasn't blind
Nothing to see anyway

Unavailing ambiguity; frigid
Dreading the dark
A young girl
Penniless and in love

What are we to do now?
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 23, 2011,
#2
You still like that girl out in Cali?

The meaning was clear, you did well on that. The flaws of this piece are the pitfalls into "teenage poetic clichés." Allusions to drowning, silence, suffocating, tend to pop up a lot in adolescent poetry, and it ruins the honest feel when it's stuff that's been read many times before. So the lines that got a bit marred are:

Saw you drowning
Panicking, in tears

Woke up sweating
Silence suffocated me

Useless ambiguity; cold
Dreading the dark


However, I thought
I wasn't blind
Nothing to see anyway

A young girl
Penniless and in love

were pretty good lines. The other hindrance of the piece is completely personal, but I've never been a fan of these quick line breaks and half sentences. Nothing against you or your writing, it's just that I don't really enjoy it.

By no means bad, you just fit a few too many clichés for my taste. I do like your writing though Ali.
#3
I still do

I can see what you mean, however let me see if I can clear this up a bit (just in case you misunderstood what I was trying to say), the first stanza wasn't exactly a metaphor, it was actually a dream I had where she was drowning and I couldn't do much to help her, then I had that feeling of tripping over and falling (that feeling which a lot of people get). The second stanza was more about waking up right after that in the middle of the night, "silence suffocated me" was really more about my discomfort with being in complete silence after having dreamed something so..."loud" I guess. And well I think the third stanza's pretty obvious.

This thing is pretty much in the first draft, so I'll see how I could change those lines. Thanks for the crit man, and I'm glad you enjoy my stuff I really am