#1
Here's a song im working on, not done yet, but i'd like to get your opinions on what I have so far

c4c

_____________________


They gave me life
But won’t let me live
They prevent me from dying
It’s all they ever did

From his first breath
I was put aside
A parents unconditional love
Is nothing but a foolish lie

Chorus:

Another conversation…
Just another fight
The day mama’s new love was born
Was the day her love for me died


They asked me questions
But my answers never mattered
They were never good enough
So why even bother trying again?

You can ask him things
But he never answered
With anything more
Than a simple yes or no

But “you connected with him”
So it’s allright, let it be…
Then why the ****…
are you even talking to me!?

Chorus:

Another conversation…
Just another fight
The day mama’s new love was born
Was the day her love for me died


_____________________
#2
i think you should make the chorus longer but i like the message of the song *even tho i didn't read it all* >sorry<
IM GONNA ***CHANGE*** THE WORLD
#3
ok, i'll see if i can make the chorus longer a bit, thx for the advice
#4
Looks pretty good man, I understand the story, I feel the emotion and how it builds from verse to verse. I do agree with adding to the chorus. I had a melody in my head for it, and it definitely felt incomplete.

And one more thing the line
"But “you connected with him”"
When you're singing the song, the audience can't always understand that there is quotations there unless you add something like "you say" or something of that kind. I understood it by reading it, but if you're just hearing it, you might not understand that it was meant as you not believing them when they say that. But don't worry, I accidentally put that in my writing a lot, it's actually easily fixable. This is just my opinion on that though, some people might not agree.

Good start man, would love to see a finished product.

If you have a second "Goodbye Too Soon" is on the front page and I'd love if you could critique it for me. Thanks man!
#5
I don't much like how the parents are talked about in the third person "they they they" for most of the song, and then all of a sudden, it's "you you you" at the end of it. I would probably cast it in the second person all the way through; go ahead and address the song to the parents, and I think it would improve the piece.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#6
Quote by wifiguy51
Looks pretty good man, I understand the story, I feel the emotion and how it builds from verse to verse. I do agree with adding to the chorus. I had a melody in my head for it, and it definitely felt incomplete.

And one more thing the line
"But “you connected with him”"
When you're singing the song, the audience can't always understand that there is quotations there unless you add something like "you say" or something of that kind. I understood it by reading it, but if you're just hearing it, you might not understand that it was meant as you not believing them when they say that. But don't worry, I accidentally put that in my writing a lot, it's actually easily fixable. This is just my opinion on that though, some people might not agree.

Good start man, would love to see a finished product.

If you have a second "Goodbye Too Soon" is on the front page and I'd love if you could critique it for me. Thanks man!


Ok, thanks man i'll fix that

I'll look at your lyrics tonight, i'm kinda busy right now :P

Quote by Nilchii
I don't much like how the parents are talked about in the third person "they they they" for most of the song, and then all of a sudden, it's "you you you" at the end of it. I would probably cast it in the second person all the way through; go ahead and address the song to the parents, and I think it would improve the piece.


Ok, i will make it second person from the start then