#1
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site but I'll probably be in this section of the forum a whole lot cause writing is the realness.

Anyways, here's something I just kicked up a few minutes ago:
I am an illusion, and so are you
Life is an illusion, I'm only here for the view
Your sumptuous car isn't worth a dime
When there are colours of an endless palette
Painting the portrait of time.

Sweet scents, the aromas of civilization
Persist me to ponder the question
Am I me or am I a part of something larger
A mere cell in the vein of existence
This theory of life is nothing but a distraction.

The grander scheme to me has made it seem
that life is just a dream
As we wander the world, bumbling with social interaction
Never able to find the right direction
As we beg at our knees for the answer
from some blind religious-regime.
#3
Quote by kLeft
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site but I'll probably be in this section of the forum a whole lot cause writing is the realness.

Anyways, here's something I just kicked up a few minutes ago:
I am an illusion, and so are you Really shaky start, and when I finished reading I realized that it's really filled with cliches.
Life is an illusion, I'm only here for the view Again, find a better way to describe how "life is an illusion".
Your sumptuous car isn't worth a dime
When there are colours of an endless palette
Painting the portrait of time. These three lines were much better, I really enjoyed the line "your sumptuous car isn't worth a dime"

Sweet scents, the aromas of civilization
Persist me to ponder the question
Am I me or am I a part of something larger This line could use changing. Again, the whole "who am I?" thing can be really sublime, but you have to try and be original with it. This was a really great stanza, and that line just brought it down IMO
A mere cell in the vein of existence
This theory of life is nothing but a distraction.

The grander scheme to me has made it seem
that life is just a dream again, this line could use some improving. I don't want to suggest anything since it's your piece and I don't wanna give any ideas that may seem off the theme
As we wander the world, bumbling with social interaction
Never able to find the right direction
As we beg at our knees for the answer
from some blind religious-regime. I liked this line, but I think you should me it "Religious-blind-regime".

Overall it's a great piece, but the cliches are bringing it down a bit. Don't change the lines that I pointed out too dramatically, try to make the same point come across in better wording. The meaning is pretty clear, but something so sublime should be a little bit more vague in my opinion. The oxymoron title grabbed my attention really well by the way.

Well done

C4C?
#4
Well I tried to keep up with some kind of rhyming scheme, which may explain the reason for cliches since I felt limited to what words I was able to use.
Thanks for the feedback though you guys, helps me out tremendously with future writings.