#1
This is just a little something I wrote last night. It will most likely be a bridge to a song.

I'm thinking of naming it "Goodbye Too Soon"

Today
I walked by your house
i saw into the window of a cold dark place of sorrow
I heard whispers
From the neighbors around
I saw the hearse out front, a for sale sign's soon to follow
I just wanted what's best
For you
Now stuck in hindsight
I can't say that I didn't foresee this
I still want what's best
For you
Whether it's a hole in the ground
Or a place that you didn't believe in


It's a fresh piece, so honest opinions and chances are definitely well appreciated! Thanks .

EDIT: So I've been working on a few replacements for "cold dark place of sorrow" and are between two. I was hoping you could tell me which one is better, or if I should throw both out and start anew.

My throat dried up and the tears made it hard to swallow
or
In the upstairs window lies the rope that ended your sorrow


Thanks again!
Last edited by wifiguy51 at Aug 24, 2011,
#2
i thought of it as like a 2nd verse like its telling a story and maybe in the 1st its talking about all the things they went through or something of the like..idk but i think it's absolutely amazing and i love it !!
IM GONNA ***CHANGE*** THE WORLD
#3
Thanks so much! I see what you're saying it would make a good second verse in telling a story, but right now in my head I'm imagining it more as a climax in the song. I'm seeing the verses and choruses are about her life leading into her bitter end and this being the part where everything just stops and is quiet, I don't know yet haha.

Thanks again!
Last edited by wifiguy51 at Aug 22, 2011,
#4
"cold dark place of sorrow" felt cliche. I thought a line break would be more appropriate than a comma in this line: "I saw the hearse out front, a for sale sign's soon to follow." This bit:
I just wanted what's best
For you
Now stuck in hindsight
I can't say that I didn't foresee this
I still want what's best
For you
is sweet, but blah.

"I heard whispers/from the neighbors around" and the last two lines were pretty good, though. You got any more like that?

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#5
Nilchii,

I've been trying my best to change "cold dark place of sorrow", as I agree on the cliche.
Ok, a line break is understandable.

And if you think those lines are sweet, why the "blah"? Could you be more specific?

Thanks for the critique though man!
#6
I really dig the last two lines. The rest was rather dull, and the "cold dark place of sorrow" thing really needs to go. I suggest working on making it more descriptive. You should especially work on imagery; while you're giving me a decent amount of information in this piece, it doesn't really paint a picture in my head.

Again, those last two lines are really good.
#7
I really like this one As it has been pointed out ^^^ the last two lines are awesome.
Personally, when I read it, I almost split it in half. When I read
"Today
I walked by your house
i saw into the window of a cold dark place of sorrow
I heard whispers
From the neighbors around
I saw the hearse out front, a for sale sign's soon to follow"
I thought of it as a chorus (or a bit of a chorus) that you could maybe change slightly each time it's repeated as you go along in the story through the verses. It's a horrible example, but I know Taylor Swift does this a lot in her songs.
The second half I saw a lot more as a bridge.
Just my humble opinion though
I did notice about the "cold, dark place of sorrow" bit above you said you wanted to change it and I could think of a couple idea's, but don't want to overstep my leash lol, just thought I'd mention it
Anyways, awesome lyrics
#8
Britt,

Thanks for the critique! I'm glad you liked it.

I actually really like the idea of splitting it into two and making one a chorus, and I think I might play around with that. Thanks for that. And not a bad example, Taylor Swift is selling a 1,000,000 records a day, she has to be doing something right .

I would love to hear your ideas, I've been a bit stuck on the line.

Thanks a lot for the critique!
#9
lol yes, too right about Taylor Swift, if naming and shaming exes gets you millions, I might try my hand at it
When I read that line the first thing that came into my head was "I saw through the window where you lined up your pills and swallowed" but I don't know the rhythm of the song so don't know whether it fits or not ... maybe "And wish I'd seen you living a life for tomorrow", or "Now the place represents your soul so hollow" ??
I don't really know without hearing the song but I hope I helped
#10
the first six lines need to set up the desperation of the end better. the word choice seemed to be the issue.
#11
Solid story and imagery, especially with the end. You need to work on the delivery at the beginning because it was a bit clunky and boring. Basically, listen to WinterSky.
#12
hmm, dont have much to add to what the others have said already.
I'd like to hear the final result, criticizing composition and arrangement is more my thing than lyrics u know... :P

Thx again for your comment on my thread
#13
I think the whole of it felt cliche and pretty forced. The flow was pretty erratic. I think, actually, that there was too much imagery in this piece. A strange thing to say, yes, but I'll explain. It seems as if you have a story to tell, however, there was not very much in the way of actual story telling. There is no real background, ir characters, or a scenario, other than an (implied) suicide. That said, walking through the actions the speaker is taking makes little contextual sense, to me at least, and I think with a piece such as those the imagery should remain intangible, such as the way the speaker feels rather than the physicalities of the matter.
#14
Quote by robmacabre
I think the whole of it felt cliche and pretty forced. The flow was pretty erratic. I think, actually, that there was too much imagery in this piece. A strange thing to say, yes, but I'll explain. It seems as if you have a story to tell, however, there was not very much in the way of actual story telling. There is no real background, or characters, or a scenario, other than an (implied) suicide. That said, walking through the actions the speaker is taking makes little contextual sense, to me at least, and I think with a piece such as those the imagery should remain intangible, such as the way the speaker feels rather than the physicalities of the matter.


How cliche and forced? Please explain that.

With the flow, I guess it is a little difficult to read. I have a melody for it in my head, but the reader doesn't particularly know that. It's supposed to be a song, not a poem.

And I said in the beginning that I'm planning on this being the bridge of a song. It's not a finished piece. It's supposed to be the climax of the song, the rest of the song being the girl's life building up to the unfortunate aftermath.

Are you saying I explained the surroundings more than how to speaker felt? I mean the last 6 lines show his desperation.

I don't want to come off as arrogant or anything, this is in all sincerity. I just really would rather you tell me how you would fix it then just say what's wrong with it in your opinion.

It's your opinion, and I honestly thank you for it.
#15
The rhyming lines are far longer than the others giving it the forced feeling, the fact that I find it cliche is a personal opinion that I have in regard to just about every work involving suicide. And I can't really tell you how I would fix it, I didn't write it. I may possibly have more suggestions for a completed work, it's hard for me to say how this would or should fit in something without seeing what it's supposed to fit in.