#1
I finally got around to writing my first lyric. While I'm not happy with it, I would love to hear your opinions about it.

Personally I feel it slightly disjointed and too short. I'm also not to fond of the structure and the ending, but I might be a harsh critic.

Don't have a title even, but I'll just post it.

I gaze out at the tranquil landscape,
Serenity mantles the green plains.
I study my hour glass
and count my final grains.

Huddled closely at my sides,
apprehensive yet restful.
the agony has come to an end,
and my fate has been accepted

There is comfort
in loved ones nearby.
There is warmth
in their hands holding mine.

A distant sound calling for my name
A calming drone, muffling all other.
Gradually they blur to mere figures
and the purest of white remains.

There is peacefulness
in the sound of silence.
There is relief
in letting go.


If you want me to critique something you've written feel free to ask (but don't expect amazing critiques since I'm a worser critic than I am a writer)

Thank you for your time.
#2
that's pretty good. a little unusual because there is no verse but i like it
#3
Thanks dude, I actually intended that the stanza's that start with "There is...." to be the chorus sorta, but I ran out of stuff to say.

Thank you for your comment
#4
You say "disjointed and too short," and while I'm getting "disjointed," I don't think you can really go with "too short" in a song. I think of .30-06's anthem, "Boy Wonder," for example, which consisted of, like, 12 words and was brilliant.

I feel like your attempts at poetic imagery in the verses is getting in the way of you actually trying to say anything. I'd recommend trying to say something and going from there to poetry, rather than the other way 'round. I actually quite like the choruses, by contrast.

One thing to do, if you have a chorus but no verse, is to keep the catchy chorus around, then make up a story. It doesn't even have to be a story related to the chorus, although it helps. But if you tell a story, then you have a catchy chorus, it's a very effective trick to making the chorus seem to relate to the story, and it might even add a layer of meaning that the song doesn't otherwise have. (cf. Tom Petty's "Mary Jane's Last Dance," which a large population seems to believe is about drugs. Weird.)

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Aug 22, 2011,
#5
Thanks Nilchii for your comment. I think what you said about my poetic imagery is getting in the way of what I'm trying to say. I actually lost track of what the lyric was about midway and changed the subject. Also, the first verse was written 4 months before the rest and was about something else initially, yesterday I worked on it and changed the story.

Maybe, that is why it felt disjointed. Thank you, dude, that was really helpful and opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong. Next time, I'll try to write the story or my ideas down first and then I'll work that into a poem.
#6
Quote by felakutihimself

I gaze out at the tranquil landscape,
Serenity mantles the green plains.
I study my hour glass Using hour glasses to describe time is really overused, but I think you pulled it off well
and count my final grains.

Huddled closely at my sides,
apprehensive yet restful.
the agony has come to an end, Try to change the word agony
and my fate has been accepted This line's also pretty weak

There is comfort
in loved ones nearby.
There is warmth
in their hands holding mine. Good stanza

A distant sound calling for my name
A calming drone, muffling all others.
Gradually they blur to mere figures
and the purest of white remains. This entire stanza is brilliant, I love it

There is peacefulness
in the sound of silence. Use another phrase instead of "sound of silence"
There is relief
in letting go.


I'd say for your first time, this is really good work. It could use some different imagery, but I really enjoyed reading that. Gave me a kind of Zen vibe. The word "peacefulness" throws the flow a tad off, but just changing it to peace would be good. That was a really nice read, well done.


Would you be a dear?
#7
Thanks man for taking the time to throughly analyze this, I really appreciate.
I do agree with you that the second stanza (3rd and 4th line) are very week and I think they should be changed altogether.

Anyways, thank you, I'll work on these faults and I'll try to fix it.
#8
I really liked this…as a poem. It’s darkness and sense of submission to the inevitable drew me right in. As a poem, I wouldn’t change a thing.

As a song, you will need to rework the entire thing. I can’t get a feel for how it would be sung or to what type of music. I won’t even attempt such a thing with this piece as an example. You seem to have a good understanding of wording and I believe with a little thought you can bring back something very powerful.

Good job!

C4C
Depraved
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1472585
#9
youve nearly fallen into the rhyming trap. most people write songs that rhyme, but it doesnt make it sound good
e.g. plains and grains.

however i like what you did with thye comfort and warmth thingy!
#10
Thanks IamOmega, I do agree that it doesn't really feel like a song, because there isn't a clear structure, no verses or choruses, but I plan on adding more to and making it more like a song.

Thanks man
#11
Quote by woodery9896
youve nearly fallen into the rhyming trap. most people write songs that rhyme, but it doesnt make it sound good
e.g. plains and grains.

however i like what you did with thye comfort and warmth thingy!


I was trying to avoid the rhyme trap and I thought I could slip this one in subtly. I think plains and grains might be a bit too obvious.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate your comment.
#12
Quote by felakutihimself
Thanks man for taking the time to throughly analyze this, I really appreciate.
I do agree with you that the second stanza (3rd and 4th line) are very week and I think they should be changed altogether.

Anyways, thank you, I'll work on these faults and I'll try to fix it.

They should be changed, but not entirely. I really like the general theme of it, but you just need to use better descriptive words.

Also, I forgot to mention these points in my first post:
1. You're too harsh on yourself, even though I criticized the hell out of that second stanza, it was a really enjoyable piece.

2. Why not use the title "The Great Plains" ?
#14
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Don't ask for a critique in your titles please. I've edited this for you.


Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. Thank you

@ali.guitarkid7 Thanks man, I'm working at that part, I think I'm gonna keep the same meaning but change the sentences completely.

Thanks man, I'm am naturally harsh on myself but its a good way of crossing off all the BS I write

Maybe I'll use that title, but I don't know, I'm actually thinking of changing it from "green plains" to "green vista". A title will come eventually, thank you for the suggestion.