#1
'oh' she says
'i feel so blessed with you, so
right' she is faking another
orgasm into my ear, as if i could
trust her to be honest
just one time to talk to me
sincerely.
i look across the room
waiting for some thing
to hit me, a car from the street
or just an emotion
not the lead painted, manufactured
emotion she hands me,
she makes me sick with in her embrace.
'you make me feel so loved'
because i kiss you and dont
expect you to suck my co.ck,
because i still accept your irrational
fears of meeting my family?
what the hell do i ever do
'right' or 'blessed'
i remember all the awful things i've said,
all the regrets of your past i reopen
so why do you look at me with teary eyes
when i'm telling you that i feel
i'm drowning in a plastic bag,
that you're trying to cauterize my wounds
with caustic chemicals and crude tools
and i'm making love out of
recycled bottles and pills?
that the loneliest place is in your arms.
#3
oh goodness.

yes.

pretty much sums it up.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
i think the first however many lines were redundant. the last six sum everything beautifully and, read on their own, have a perfect balance of rawness, imagery, and untangible to hit harder than the rest of it put together.
#5
synth's got a good point. I almost wrote "meh," here, but the last six lines are worth saving.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#6
Well sir, that was quite a read. It's starts off interesting and then completely blasts into a spectrum of emotions. It felt like a nicely said release of how you felt. I personally liked the whole thing, I read it twice. Yes redundant in a way, but not the point where it's that noticeable or bothersome, it's what needs to be said. I really don't have anything bad to say. The only thing that struck me was the "suck my ****" line. Rereading I see where it would fit in but it was just weird how you go from nicely written metaphors to a line like that. It just felt like it wasn't, I don't know how to say it, but not fitting. That's probably just me though.

Hey man if you got a minute, "Goodbye Too Soon" is on the front page, and I would really love some critiques. Thanks!
#8
Never stop writing, man. For some reason, I love to come to your writing and have my heart broken. I'm sorry for the subject, but thank you for sharing, man.


EDIT: I think that folks are getting so caught up in how you're saying things that they're overlooking exactly WHAT you're saying. Write for you, don't change a thing.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Aug 27, 2011,
#9
Quote by Nilchii
synth's got a good point. I almost wrote "meh," here, but the last six lines are worth saving.


+1.

I read all the, "Oh hell yeah's" before I read the piece and couldn't figure out why. I was about to give up, but remembered somebody saying the last 6 were worthwhile.

They were. But I'm with Nilchii, you gotta give them a better place to live, because right now they are a beautiful voice in the midst of a choir of discordance.

EDIT: The reason I say that isn't because the first part is "bad" per se... but it's just so standard. It doesn't evoke anything but deja vu for me. I know that with all the years humans have been writing, there aren't many ways to talk about a strong, detailed, common emotion like what you are approaching... but those last 6 or so are a unique take, and the rest just isn't.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Aug 27, 2011,