#1
so this is my first time in the S&L forum. kinda nervous so go easy on me
hope you guys like it. thanks


The Hourglass

Great memories float astray
As the cold wind blows them away
My heart lives on, in agony
A victim of life's tragedies

Endless tears, roll down my face
My painful cries, echo in silence
Sadly, Life's hourglass is only one way
There's no flippin over, to start again

The pain haunts me, for days and days
I slowly limp back to reality
Life's too short, to waste away
I'll never look back, to the mindless insanity

I stare at the sands of time
My hourglass, slowly drains away
I'm no longer afraid, this is the beginning
of a brand new day.......
Quote by metaldud536
...I mean if indians stood naked in front of me, i couldn't tell if they're hispanic or native american. unless they put on clothes

At first he was like...
Quote by Twistedrock
I love you, man. No homo

But then, he was like...
Quote by Twistedrock
I love you even more now. Slightly homo
Last edited by SomebodySomeone at Aug 22, 2011,
#2
It's a good piece man, enjoyed reading it. I have seen this metaphor before and unfortunately this piece doesn't exactly reinvent it or stick out from the pack, but again, it's a good piece. I like how it starts off by going deeper into a depressed state, then coming out and realizing it will be ok and to live life to the fullest.

Add a "g" to "There's no flippin over." For some reason when I saw that, my mind shot to some Facebook post or something. Yes, I know it was a typo but it bothered me haha.

"I stare at the sands of time" felt a bit cliche, it's definitely a commonly used metaphor.

Overall, good piece man, nothing terrible to say.

Hey man if you have a second "Goodbye Too Soon" is on the front page, I would really like a critique. Thanks.
#3
Quote by SomebodySomeone

The Hourglass

Great memories float astray
As the cold wind blows them away
My heart lives on, in agony
A victim of life's tragedies

Endless tears, roll down my face
My painful cries, echo in silence

Sadly, Life's hourglass is only one way
There's no flipping over, to start again

The pain haunts me, for days and days
I slowly limp back to reality
Life's too short, to waste away
I'll never look back, to the mindless insanity

I stare at the sands of time
My hourglass, slowly drains away
I'm no longer afraid, this is the beginning
of a brand new day.......


I really couldn't help but see how it's filled with overused metaphors and words. I've highlighted most of the stuff that really got to me, and just one typo. I think you should keep working on this piece, it's good and I like how the mood of it kind of changes from hopelessness to optimism, you just need to find better descriptive words.

Anyway, good job man. I know you asked to go easy on you, but trust me it helps to be a bit more harsh