#1
C4C, as always.

What will it take
to reach the apex of illumination,
the end of my explorations?

Galaxies away,
where creation and destruction intersect
in the tired air
of timeworn space,
awaits the merciful embrace
of preservation.

And somewhere
only arm's length from us,
beyond the malign transfi(ct)ion of entropy,
I have hope of greener suns.
#2
Well damn.........that's all I can say haha. I'm not one to judge a piece this awesome, but I thought it was quite good. The rhyme scheme struck me as interesting, as it kind of just rhymes when I wants to, but that's not really much of a problem because it lacks being forced to rhyme. Honestly, I don't think I can say anything bad about this piece. Definitely going to read more.
Last edited by wifiguy51 at Aug 22, 2011,
#3
I feel a frustration in this peice. I mean in a plot/theme of the writing. good vs. evil centering the focus in the moment. I tend to get wordy.

First stanza clearly talks about the road to success and happiness. Frustration happens
by askin the question to whomever your talking too.

Second stanza has a conflict and struggle. May stem around the universe and lifes theories
Trying to stay postive and motivated when evil lurks. trying to decide what direction to take in life with freedom. Not constricted or tied down by others or the enviroment.

Third stanza has the conflict and near desruction. Clearly greener suns lay a foundation of opportuntism.
#4
I really enjoyed the imagery here, especially "in the tired air of timeworn space". However there were some parts that I didn't quite understand, like "malign transfiction of entropy". Did you mean 'transfection'?

Also, take out the 'And' at the start of the last stanza maybe? I like the title of the piece, great way to set out the theme for the reader.

I always enjoy reading your stuff, you set the bar pretty high.

Hope this was helpful

Also, would you mind giving a crit for this? I could really use some help on it
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 23, 2011,
#5
wifiguy51: Thank you very much.

jod23: You got the basic idea of it. It's more specifically about the struggle to preserve the environment, though I kept it extremely vague so as to leave it more open-ended.

ali.guitarkid7: "Transfi(ct)ion" is a play on "transfixion" and "fiction".

Thank you all for the comments and critiques.
#6
Quote by Winter Sky
ali.guitarkid7: "Transfi(ct)ion" is a play on "transfixion" and "fiction".

Oh well that makes a lot more sense now, I couldn't understand why you'd want to add transfection But yeah, like I said before. Great read.
#7
Is it strange that I felt rather small reading this? It's like some kind of cosmic giant staring me down....(Maybe I'm just weird.)

The "transfi(ct)ion" line threw me off at first, but after reading it again I love it.
Beautiful imagery as well, I'm now trying to imagine what creation meeting destruction would look like.

To sum it up I truly enjoyed this.
You are an amazing writer.
#8
whoknows: It's been a common theme in my writing lately to use imagery involving space and planets and the "bigger picture" so to speak. The goal of this is to make the reader see the bigger things going on, so you're definitely not weird. You're just feeling the way I'm trying to make you feel by reading this.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It's always amazing to hear people tell me they enjoy my work.