#1
A Scientific Experiement

At first I only flicked her fingers lightly
and she didn't move at all.
Then I tried it harder and she
flinched in her car seat.
The final time was much more fiercely.

A flash of tears appeared instantly,
as if already crying in her sleep.
My body floundered and my face flushed,
it felt like I had lost everything.
I had to carefully hide it from my mother.

I guess it was my way of candling
this thing to see if it was actually real,
if it cried like a normal sister would.
After that, it was pure, unconditional love
all the way.
#2
Gorgeous. In it's own unique way. All I got though buddy. Just wanted to let you know I'm reading and always enjoying.
#4
This puts a really strong image in mind of a young kid being curious about his younger sibling. Especially with the last stanza, it nicely puts a smile on your face.

I really really enjoyed this.
#5
This was nice and... for lack of a better work, quaint. I think that is both it's blessing and it's curse. The innocence and, frankly, ignorance it projects is sweet and relatable. However, I also felt like your first two stanzas were kind of... direction-less. You were painting a sort of undetailed image; it was really fuzzy for me, like I got what was going on, but the lack of connection between the narrator and the "subject" as well as the lack of "age" for the narrator doesn't help. I think the latter could be fixed by moving this to present tense... make it the child telling the story, not looking back on it and I think it will make the innocence more fore-front in the first two stanzas, which could really clear those up and make the tone match the innocence of the image that you are painting.

I'd appreciate a bump on "chosen one" in the sig, if you get a chance. I had hoped for more feedback on that one and it never really got anywhere.

Cheers.
#6
Great critique, as always, Zach. Thank you! I'll get to your piece now.

Blake, thanks! Would you still like me to critique A Trophy for Atrophy or the newest one?
#7
I actually deleted the newest one, Winter Sky pointed out it seemed forced, so I'm gonna take it back to the drawing board. Go for Trophy please, and thank you.