#1
Someone once told me I better keep dreamin
All the while turns himself into a demon
And it all ends the same with me nd my brains hanging from the ceiling
Yeah, it's just another day

Vaguely I remember a time I was happy
Give me a nine than I will leave gladly
And it all ends the same with me blowing my brains out on the wall
Yeah, it's just another day

Sometimes I talk just so I can hear a stranger
Looking in the mirror the feelings never stranger
And it all happens again with me and my friend scratching my forehead
Yeah, it's all the same
Yeah, it's just another day

Now that you've came in my life is so much clearer
I actually am proud just to look in the mirror
And it all goes to show that we all have our lows and our highs
Yeah, I hope this never ends
Yeah, it's a brand new day.
#2
Quote by TANG0DOWN21

Someone once told me I better keep dreaming
All the while turns himself into a demon
And it all ends the same with me and my brains hanging from the ceiling
Yeah, it's just another day

Vaguely I remember a time I was happy
Give me a nine than I will leave gladly Liked this line a lot.
And it all ends the same with me blowing my brains out on the wall A little redundant since you just had a line in the last stanza about your brains hanging from the ceiling.
Yeah, it's just another day

Sometimes I talk just so I can hear a stranger I think you'd be fine if you took the "just" out, I think it flows a little better
Looking in the mirror the feelings never stranger I liked the play on the different meanings of stranger.
And it all happens again with me and my friend scratching my forehead I'll be honest, I have no idea what this line means, at all. Why is your friend scratching your forehead?
Yeah, it's all the same
Yeah, it's just another day

I feel like there should be another stanza here. I'm thinking how you met this person who came into your life and turned it all around. Maybe you can end the stanza with "Yeah, maybe it's not another day" or something along the lines of that. It was just really sudden that you jumped into the person.

Now that you've came in my life is so much clearer Line has an error, you either need to make that "is" an "it's" change the line completely.
I actually am proud just to look in the mirror I would switch "am" and "actually", I think it flows better.
And it all goes to show that we all have our lows and our highs
Yeah, I hope this never ends
Yeah, it's a brand new day.


Overall, I liked the piece. I thought it had it's moments, but as a whole didn't completely do it for me. It's definitely a good start and I would keep working with it. Would definitely read more.

Hey, if you got a minute, two of my pieces are on the front page "Just When I Thought I Was Out..." and "Goodbye Too Soon". If you have a minute, I'd really appreciate if you could critique one or both of them.

Thanks man!
#3
I'll do my best but Idk much about writing I'm just a 17 yr old kid who was feelig sad lol
Last edited by TANG0DOWN21 at Aug 24, 2011,
#4
That's how most songwriters start out. Most music you hear is people in their teens or 20s who are sad and writing down how they feel. You don't have to have a degree in english to write a song.

You'll be fine man, it was good for a start. I would definitely read more from you.
#5
Quote by wifiguy51
That's how most songwriters start out. Most music you hear is people in their teens or 20s who are sad and writing down how they feel. You don't have to have a degree in english to write a song.

You'll be fine man, it was good for a start. I would definitely read more from you.

thanks bro!