#1
no, really, it was. forgive the bad photo of me, but i'm not lying. http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/163024_1559539391754_1333350126_31290495_2665943_n.jpg

we were cold figures trying to keep
our balance on the ice
at her brother’s rented out place on plum
she hugged me goodbye because she was leaving
to europe for a few months and i didn’t know how
i’d survive without her
comfort and assurance

she tried to give me one last shred before we drove away
“you’re a good guy. stop telling yourself that you’re not.”
i half smiled an i know.


i’ve always felt bad for lying to her.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#2
My only major gripe with this piece is that most of the line breaks in the first stanza are awkward and really hurt the flow. Any criticism from me beyond that would just be nitpicking. I enjoyed reading this.

EDIT: I hate the title. It kind of disrupts the mood of the piece.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 24, 2011,
#3
I love the title. I don't usually go into songwritting and lyrics but the title made me click. This is pretty cool.
#4
I also find the line breaks disrupting. I'm all about line breaks that are nontraditional or different, but I feel like here they aren't broken for a purpose, which I think they should be if they aren't "normally" broken up.

Aside from this, this reminds me of a piece I wrote and I love how it ended (what most reminded me of my writing, so of course I enjoyed it :P ). I think rework the line breaks. And I don't like using punctuation in pieces, but I think at least a semi-colon or hyphen is needed in the first stanza. That messes with the flow a loooooot. The rest of it is good with line breaks/punctuation.

Hopefully my crit has been helpful. I just posted a new piece called Still Kicking. If you wouldn't mind checking that out, it'd be nice
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#5
no time- quick thoughts:

punctuation.

second stanza didnt advance the story. almost seemed to derail it to me.

last line read desperate, like you were trying to save the piece with a weird dramatic irony thing. is it necessary?