#1
...but it's marginally better than no title.

I posted the first draft of this ages ago but I've recently revisited it. Actually trying to sing the damn thing caused me to do a bunch of rewrites, so here it is:

------------------------------------------

I'm sorry, dearest friend
but I've fallen in again
I'd started to climb out
but instead I've given in
to a deep dissatisfaction
and a need to go to sleep
a fundamental loathing for the man
I've come
to be

one day maybe, one day
one day when I
get to hold your hand
I will be
a be(eheh)- tter man

I couldn't earn your smile
with a shitty song or two
but you've let this sinner in to see
a paradise with you
and it's obvious that things
will have to change
I've ventured nothing
and similarly
gained


one day, maybe one day
one day when I
get to hold your hand
I will be
a be(eheh) tter man

An need for distant shores
and this guitar that's in my hand
a hidden inner loathing
and deeper reprimands
can't ever
make me
your saint
it'll never
wash off
this taint

and one day sweetheart, someday
I'll be able to look up and say
that I can be yours
if you'll have me
one day

------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! I'd really appreciate any feedback or advice, positive or negative, constructive or troll-like.

I've tried to give a kind of indication of where the phrases should end - each line is supposed to be roughly the same length, and certain words should be held for a bit longer than others, but it's impossible for me to send you the melody that's in my head (because I haven't, and probably couldn't, write it out in standard notation).

Regardless, if you would, sing it to yourself (audibly or otherwise) and let me know what you think
#4
It is assuredly interesting. My main issue with it is that, in my opinion, the second verse flows much better is is.much more well-constructed, which kind of destabilizes the work as a whole. The chorus also seems a bit forced, as though you changed your message to fit the flow. But over all, a solid effort I think. Together with well-constructed music, it would be perfectly passable.
#5
Quote by robmacabre
It is assuredly interesting. My main issue with it is that, in my opinion, the second verse flows much better is is.much more well-constructed, which kind of destabilizes the work as a whole. The chorus also seems a bit forced, as though you changed your message to fit the flow. But over all, a solid effort I think. Together with well-constructed music, it would be perfectly passable.


Thank you! Agreed, I hadn't changed the first verse but I had ripped out the original chorus and second verse. I'll need to rewrite the first and rethink the chorus entirely.