#1
Only ten minutes left in the world
kiss her as if it were five
believe in your heart
that she was the only thing that ever mattered to you
she's not what you dreamed of,
but you'll ride into the end of time with her
because she's the best you could do
#2
I'm not sure what I think of this. On one hand, I really like what this is trying to say. On the other hand, the execution falls a bit short.

That's not to say it's bad in any way, but it doesn't offer very original or interesting phrasing or ideas. It feels so bare-bones and anonymous as it is. But for some reason, I find myself enjoying this piece more than I feel it deserves, maybe because I relate to it so well right now.

I suggest trying to incorporate new ways to describe the idea, as opposed to the typical go-to lines for the subjects involved in this piece, perhaps incorporating a metaphor or at least some imagery to spice it up a bit.

EDIT: By the way, I love the contradiction between the title and the piece. I think it's subtle enough that it works without feeling cheesy or cliche.

If you have a minute, I'd appreciate a critique of "Waves" in my sig.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 28, 2011,
#3
I really enjoyed reading this piece, but like Winter Sky said it feels really lacking in the sense that I wish you used more descriptions/imagery/metaphors. It also left me wanting a lot more, but in a way I liked how short it is. Some lines were pushing close to cliche, but they didn't bring the piece down at all 'cause I feel the idea/theme of the whole thing is really interesting. Time seems to be an essential part of the whole thing, you could do some playing around with that.


Great piece.

AEDIT: Would you mind giving a crit on my piece 'Writing to Console' ? I could use some fresh eyes.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1474984
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 29, 2011,
#4
For the short length, I think it got the job done nicely. It does lack in the originality department but none the less, I feel it flows very nicely. The closing line feels weak. I mean, your basically saying "well crap, your a heifer but I don't see anybody else." If you were going for a more poetic/romantic ending it falls just a tad short. Good read though!

Cheers! Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1475100