#1
This is a song, not a poem. The music is melodic and ambient, but somewhat fast-paced.

C4C, as always.


Before I could save you,
you washed up on foreign shores
with monsters and strangers
that I never thought you'd leave me for.

Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?

My waters are raging,
and I'll make sure I sweep you
away with the waves that
I'm making just to carry you home.

Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?
I'm still wondering how
you ever sailed these seas
and why you always look to me
to fill your careworn sails,
while you only seem to blow through me.

I'll make
these waves
until
you're safe.
#2
This is pretty sweet and I can feel the angst/fast pace your going for. I'm not real good at interpreting this type of thing but I do enjoy the metaphor of the boat equipment.

Before I could save you,
you washed up on foreign shores
with monsters and strangers
that I never thought you'd leave me for.

This makes it seem like she doesn't want to be saved but you are coming anyway. Lol, I've been in those relationships. If thats what you were going for I think its fantastic.

I'm guessing your the anchor that she is missing and she doesn't really understand your gone? I really like this piece and would love to hear the music that goes along with it.


Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1475100
#3
i think the concept of it reflects on patience for the narrator towards an individual. the word patience referring to raging. the individual landing on foriegn soil without guidance or support.

'My waters are raging,
and I'll make sure I sweep you
away with the waves that
I'm making just to carry you home.'

Then carried by
'Where is your anchor now?'
Clearly shows how that individual is hurting the narrator with the same mistakes or troubles.

The ending clearly shows the narrator loves this individual but everyday its very tiring to be patience. I guess waves are a sign of forgiveness.

nice flow to the piece btw. i've been reading some of your other work as well and there very well written. your very direct and to the point with the theme. it's something I'm trying very hard to work on in my writing.
#4
merriman44: Your interpretation of the song is pretty close to the intended meaning.

jod23: You saw right through the metaphors and understood exactly what I meant, which reassures me that I'm on the right track when it comes to writing lyrics. Thank you for the compliments. I consider you to be one of the better writers around here, so it's much appreciated.

Thank you both for taking the time to comment on this piece. I wasn't very confident in it when I posted it, but now I'm sure that I'll be recording it.
#5
Quote by Winter Sky
This is a song, not a poem. The music is melodic and ambient, but somewhat fast-paced.

C4C, as always.


Before I could save you,
you washed up on foreign shores
with monsters and strangers
that I never thought you'd leave me for.

Very descriptive imagery, and evoking the sea is very helpful here. It just feels a bit like we jumped into the story after skipping the first few pages, though.


Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?

For something so simple, it does a great job of making the point very up front while staying poetic about it. Without hearing the song, it's hard to understand the speed of the delivery without it getting repetitious to hear the same line several times, but I'm sure you've got all that figured out.

My waters are raging,
and I'll make sure I sweep you
away with the waves that
I'm making just to carry you home.

I like this stanza. My only issue is that the first line feels a bit predictable, and "sweep" doesn't quite feel right to me in the second line. Is this "sweeping" meant to be gentle? Coercive? Violent?

Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?
Where is your anchor now?
I'm still wondering how
you ever sailed these seas
and why you always look to me
to fill your careworn sails,
while you only seem to blow through me.

I love this. Don't touch it.

I'll make
these waves
until
you're safe.

I don't know. It just feels empty. Not so much meat on it as the last stanza. feels like you rushed to finish it. Perhaps a return to the anchor lines? I may only be dissenting against the last bit because--again--I don't know what the song sounds like.



Thanks for the crit, dude.
#6
FryingNemo: Thank you for the in-depth critique. The last part, as well as the anchor lines, are meant to be sung over dramatic instrumental buildups, so I kept them minimal so the instruments could be the spotlight during those parts.

Thank you all again for the critiques.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 30, 2011,
#8
Before I could save you,
you washed up on foreign shores
with monsters and strangers
that I never thought you'd leave me for.

Instantiation. You've introduced a character, but left every quality blank. Consider filling them in, e.g., instead "Before I could save you", tell us how you tried to save 'you'.

My waters are raging,
and I'll make sure I sweep you
away with the waves that
I'm making just to carry you home.

You're just spinning your wheels. This has added little to the story or imagery.

I'm still wondering how
you ever sailed these seas
and why you always look to me
to fill your careworn sails,
while you only seem to blow through me.

Here, you added a bit to the story, though I'm not fond of the image you used to do so. More importantly, you could have said this much more concisely. Even when meeting a rhythm, it's important make every word count. You've spent too many precious syllables to tell us that you feel an emotion. If you can learn to write more concisely, you'll find the room to say so much more.
#9
Wow, man. I really liked that. And I believe myself to have been in the precise situation that you are describing. Your voice is clear, your imagery was consistent and elequent. I honestly can't think of anything that this piece lacks. I would really like to hear the finished work. Very impressive.
#10
greyeyedfire: Thank you for the constructive criticism. While I think I've gotten very good at being concise in my poetry, I'm still working on bringing that to my lyrics. It's much more difficult for me to be descriptive and concise when I'm restricted to a vocal melody, but I'm making slow progress. Thanks again, mate.

robmacabre: Thank you very much for the kind words. Hopefully I'll have some mp3's up on my profile within the next few months after my band buys some recording equipment.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 30, 2011,
#11
Good exercise to try: write a one-line something or other. Make it mean something, and know what that something is.
Remove any one word, maintaining the meaning as much as possible. Repeat down until you are left with the last word. You'll get a feel for how much you can remove, and start seeing how few words you really need to get the point across.

Oh, and never forget the big secret for getting really good at writing. Write. A lot. Never be afraid to write something down, even if it's terrible. The experience is worth it.
#12
Thanks for the advice. That one line exercise sounds interesting; I may try that later tonight. I've been writing a lot more these past few months than I used to. I probably write a piece every other night, if not more often, most of which aren't very good. But I have seen my writing improve dramatically, so it's definitely been helping.
Thanks again.