#1
The stars in her ears are exploding and
a million miles away a sun is born
of blood and lust and everything she left
behind, at home. And she burns.
Strangers ask her what is wrong and she
reveals herself over some borrowed drinks which
she never returns or pays back.
Quick into the sack and she's off to write
a fairytale that tells itself to kids as they grow up
and learn that endings are sometimes just that.
Wake up; kiss the girl in your mind goodbye,
watch your pieces of secrets fold into lies, neatly tied,
barely flying. Cut the crying, you don't look good in sad.
then she's back on her feet and she's drunk and she's
dancing. and they smile.
they like her like that.
This is not a pipe
#2
You're good, Carmel. Real good. I love the casual rhyme scheme, and this is shot with beauty.

I wish I knew more about the girl than just this superficial look that you're giving us, but it's the same superficial look that she's giving the world, and that is quite correct.

Real good.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#3
Well Carmel, its hard to critique someone that is obviously well above my scale. This is fantastic. I'm amazed at how much you reveal with the illustrated words that you use. I love the inherit rhythm that this piece emanates.

I have nothing to suggest but it would be great if you could read mine. It's not in the same vein as this but it would still be appreciated.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1475100
#8
The stars in her ears are exploding and
a million miles away a sun is born
of blood and lust and everything


You're good with figurative language, but this feels to me too early in the piece to use it. You continue with

she left
behind, at home. And she burns.
Strangers ask her what is wrong and she
reveals herself over some borrowed drinks which
she never returns or pays back.


And this feels like the real 'beginning' of the piece to me because its the first time you speak in terms of the character rather than abstract events associated with her.
So I would save the cosmic imagery for further into the piece.
Another thing: 'which she never returns or pays back' feels awkward to me, although the idea of it fits with the narrative of the lyric.

Quick into the sack and she's off to write
a fairytale that tells itself to kids as they grow up
and learn that endings are sometimes just that.


I like this; it begins with a rhyme taken from the previous segment, and works well as an expression; it sounds like a sigh to me.

The final section quite effectively ties up the piece, and I don't have any criticism for it.

Hope I've helped.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1477603
#9
oh wow, very compelling conversation between the narrator and the indivdual in this piece. secrets and lies from the individual over the years has lead a negative reputation from the strangers. seems like the strangers like to gossip with this individual on a daily basis.
#10
we're made of stars and maybe we can make them

got some shivers up the neck at the end (oh the sounds!). it's been a cold day but I don't think the draft has anything to do with it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me