#1
Here's a sort of progressive folk song I just finished that I'm really very happy with. I spent a lot of time on it, feedback would be appreciated, thanks!


8pm on a wednesday night
They sit and sample the strange delight
Of the battleground, the tabloid hell
Where fame's fickle guillotine fell
They watch the lions and tigers fight
In the bloodied sand between courage and fright
And they make the least of what remains
All victims of the Roman Games

Thumbs raised or lowered in submarine salute
The illusion of choice in a bronze armour suit
Holy empire projection's might
Stare at the spectacle all day and night
The combatants flicker, sharptoothed and suntanned
And fight to the death in the bloody wonderland
The spectators are all too real
Their eyes glaze over to the roman games

Think about what you put in your mind
It's more important than you know
For one of these days you may find
it's turned your thoughts into a show

Napoleon is fast asleep in his tomb
Life is just a holiday
While we're all tourists here in Rome
There must be other ways of having fun

Nero sits on his sofa of stone
Wearing his eyes right down to the bone
Intangible women sprawl at his feet
gestures alluring and all conceit
he'll never be but what he's got
and time will tell if he makes it or not
find out next week on the show that never ends
the brutal circus, the roman games
Last edited by OKSauce at Aug 28, 2011,
#2
I really like this. You make great use of imagery and it creates a very vivid picture in my mind. One thing I would suggest is to change the first short stanza ("Think about what you put in your mind"...). I get what you're trying to convey, but within the context of the song it feels a tad bit preachy and out of place. It's not a bad point, just find a way to show it and let the reader pick it up on their own as opposed to telling them.

Other then that, I really like this piece.
Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1474036
#3
Thanks! I think you might be right about that line, so I'll have a think about it. I was particularly pleased with the last lines though. I had a look at your piece