#1
Opening song for a metal concept album. These are the lyrics to the song. Just looking for some thoughts! As always C4C!


Swing the blades
Bring them down on heads of stone
We the legion
We stand alone
Before, the dauntless horde
They come as one
Feel the ground it shakes
We march just to stand and die in vain

Amongst the battle
and the screams of death
I stand surrounded
Bloody smile crosses my lips
This how I’ll have it

After countless slain now they still come
No!
With a fault and a blow I’ll go down
Drowning in a sea of blood
They conquer us with authority
Given beyond the grave
Now I realize
Only I remain

Push on to take
The great unknown
The fires burning
All around us
Encircling
The beasts consume
But I
will survive
If I alone

I awake
See my hand is only bone
Scream in Anguish
We die alone
Without, a sound I raise
my pounding head
Above the stars embrace
How long have I slept among the slain

Around the corpses
Vultures skulk and prey
The feast abounding
With sinew torn from their flesh
My men bloat the wretched

Not a soul survived the beasts are gone
No!
All the trails of the damned one’s drive on
Driving for my very home
Smoke billows forth from the mountainside
I know I’ll be too late
My child I
Pray you will be brave

Pass on into
The great unknown
Your bodies burning
All around me
Encircling
I will avenge
I must go on
I alone

I’ll return
I’ll Find a way
This war is far from over
Unleashed the fire
In time I’ll return
To grind
your bones to dust
I’ll return
In vengeance
#2
I really enjoyed that. There are a few instances where I felt like some of the shorter lines could consolidated, but I really think that's just my poet showing through. I can see that a lot of the flow relies on meter rather than rhyme, but it seems to work well. The story seems solid, and the grim imagery complements it well. I have a soft spot in my black little heart for metal concept albums, so you should post some more lyrics from this work.
#3
Will do rob. I got the whole idea from a poem I wrote and posted here:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1448495&highlight=forefather%27s+bane

Its about 1/4 way done musically and lyrically. Towards the middle it definitely gets interesting. Thanks for the kind words and I'll be sure to keep you in the loop. If you really want to follow along my bands name is in the sig.
#4
Although it's pretty organized and well-written, it's full of cliche images and ideas. Vultures, beasts, bodies, corpses, sea of blood, etc. None of it really feels fresh or new; it's more like a rehash of a thousand other metal songs about war and death.

While you seem to be a capable writer, this piece just doesn't do anything for me because of your heavy reliance on cliche imagery and lines.
#6
i have a visual of the movie 300 appearing in my head. in the scene where they're fighting the persian army by the thousands. i enjoy the fast pace tempo in the first stanza. it clearly has the aderline approach of battle. a glorious feel indeed. The thing or topic I don't understand is who is the enemy? Probably should explain more depth or reflect why this antagonistic is fueling the fuel for war. For example the beast has pillage our wifes, children, treasures, land, and freedom. Now we will fight.
#8
As I'm not really a fan of the metal family of genres, most of those songs look the same to me, and I'm afraid this one is no exception.

So, instead of a critique, I offer you a challenge: write an exception. It doesn't even have to be good, it just has to be different. Don't just write another metal song, write a song that I can look at and say "merriman44 wrote this". Right now, I don't really take this genre seriously, but I'm always on the lookout for anyone who can change my mind.

(If you accept, be sure to pm me links)
#9
oy vey Greyeyedfire, 70 hour work weeks are not conducive to writing. I do write non-metal poetry though but I am sure it would all be too cliche for you folks. However, I accept and have something for you grey eyed. Check your PM.

Once again I'm sure it won't suffice but its a try. I don't consider myself god's gift to writing. I ask for critiques from some of the "elites" on the boards not because I believe to be on your level but I hope to learn and improve.

edit: To lower the whiny sound of my reply, I really do appreciate the thoughts and electronic smack downs that I have received. Although I have a pretty solid idea of where I want to take the album, I'm going to attempt to tell the same story using better/less terrible imagery. Thank you all for the assistance.
Last edited by merriman44 at Aug 31, 2011,