#1
Here are some lyrics I've been working on. I haven't got any music written just far, however, I'm thinking that a minor key would compliment it nicely. Electric guitars with distortion. Notes are marked to the side in bold italics.

I'd like some opinions as well as what you believe is trying to be said by these lyrics.

Just leave a link for the C4C.
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Slow, low opening with a melodic lead riff

Verse 1 Primarily bass with some quiet lead accents
The base of the hourglass
It’s filling faster than you know
No one to hear that final gasp

Shattered glass and hollowed floors
Iced wind resonates through my bones
What am I fighting for?

Chorus Slow and intense
I’ll set the sky on fire
So these nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts
Take a blind step! Yelled/screamed

Verse 2 Same as the first verse, but with palm muted electric guitar
Water reflects all our pains
I’ve looked into my own weary eyes
And caught a glimpse of a past flame.

I’m phasing out and I don’t know why
Forever bearing this intense weight
You have to fall before you can fly

Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So these nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts
Just take my hand!
Go! Yelled/Screamed

Solo/Bridge I'm thinking about going with something quiet and some quieter vocals (almost spoken)

Final Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So these nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts

Now I can brave this sorrow
I’ll leave this world behind
Look away and let me go
Or stop me before I say goodbye!

Before I say goodbye! Stretched out for a couple bars
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
Last edited by DaysofGrace at Aug 29, 2011,
#2
Quote by DaysofGrace
Here are some lyrics I've been working on. I haven't got any music written just far, however, I'm thinking that a minor key would compliment it nicely. Electric guitars with distortion. Notes are marked to the side in bold italics.

I'd like some opinions as well as what you believe is trying to be said by these lyrics.

Just leave a link for the C4C.
----------------------------------

Slow, low opening with a melodic lead riff

Verse 1 Primarily bass with some quiet lead accents
The base of the hourglass
It’s filling faster than you know
No one to hear that final gasp

The word 'gasp' feels a bit awkward at the end of a line because of the hard 'p' sound. Other than that, no problems here.

Shattered glass and hollowed floors
Iced wind resonates through my bones
What am I fighting for?

I'm guessing you mean 'icy' rather than 'iced'? Again, the actual content here looks good, and the flow seems pretty solid.

Chorus Slow and intense
I’ll set the sky on fire
So these nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts
Take a blind step! Yelled/screamed

"I'll set the sky on fire" is such a cliche line. I suggest finding a more original way to say the same thing. I like the rest.

Verse 2 Same as the first verse, but with palm muted electric guitar
Water reflects all our pains
I’ve looked into my own weary eyes
And caught a glimpse of a past flame.

'Pains' makes me think of joint pains and such; I think 'pain' works better in that sense, though it may just be me. The last line really stands out as one of the better ones so far.

I’m phasing out and I don’t know why
Forever bearing this intense weight
You have to fall before you can fly

"I don't know why" is a weak way to finish the first line, and the last line is another cliche that's so over-used that I wouldn't touch it.

If you change the end of the first line as well as the entire last line, it leaves you open to form a different rhyme (whereas if you only changed one or the other, you'd have to work within the rhyme you've already set.)


Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So these nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts
Just take my hand!
Go! Yelled/Screamed

I'm not a fan of the whole "GO" leading-into-the-bridge/solo/breakdown thing; it's been done by so many bands that it lacks the punch that it tries to bring, and it doesn't seem to fit the mood of the song either way.

Solo/Bridge I'm thinking about going with something quiet and some quieter vocals (almost spoken)

Final Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So these nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts

Same as above.

Now I can brave this sorrow
I’ll leave this world behind
Look away and let me go
Or stop me before I say goodbye!

The second line is a bit cliche, but it doesn't stand out too badly. I'm not sure I understand the complete contradiction between the last two lines. I mean, I understand that it can be a powerful poetic tool, but I don't understand it in this context. I just doesn't seem to be pulled off well here.

Before I say goodbye! Stretched out for a couple bars


This was actually pretty well-written. The only major problem was a few cliche lines, but that can easily be solved by some rewording here and there. Other than the few lines I pointed out, I enjoyed reading this and I think it would work well with the musical notes you made. Good luck in writing the music for it.


If you'd like to return the critique, any of the links in my sig will do. ("Waves" and "Xanadu" are songs; "Alpenglow" is prose.)
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 29, 2011,