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#1
I woke up this morning and went to sit up ready to get out of my bunk bed only to get trapped in the duvet and ejected sideways from the bed, falling down about 6 feet onto my younger brothers castle model. Right on my penis. I can't post pictures because of the rules of this site, but it's basically shrivelled up, purple and the head has a massive lump on it surrounded by a dark red line; I hope you have that image stuck in your head all day. It really, really ****ing hurts. Does anyone know if any painkillers that I'm likely to have in my cupboard could help ease the pain of unfathomable stupidity forced upon my penis?


(Feel free to joke, I couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying at first - it was in fact the former)

"The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n"

- John Milton, Paradise Lost
#2
Viagra
Current Stage Gear
Ibanez 1987 RG550 Road Flare Red(66th one ever made)
HD500 Pedal
Bugera Vintage 22



Quote by metaldood91
Hi. Can someone tell me which guitars are real 24 fret guitars and which are just 22 fret guitars with 2 extra frets added on?
#3
seriously dude you ask us pit monkeys for medical advice??????
Thor! Odin's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Your destiny awaits Thor! Hlödyn's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Ragnarök awaits


E-ARCH NEMESIS of girlgerms007
#4
i did not read anything else than the title.

Fap furiously. If that dont help nothing will.

Edit: Just read the whole thing and **** you TS! That picture will be stuck all day.
gr8 b8 m8 i r8 8/8
#5
Not medical advice exactly, just tips on a painkiller for an area the pit specialises in. Plus, I figure there's plenty of opportunity for you all to make me laugh enough I forget about the pain.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n"

- John Milton, Paradise Lost
#6
Quote by deathdrummer
seriously dude you ask us pit monkeys for medical advice??????

If anywhere's the place to go for something like this, it's The Pit. Almost 90% of us have a medical degree.

Now, for the most important part.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T RUIN YOUR BROTHER'S MODEL.
#7
D-d-d-drugs.
Quote by slash_GNR666
You sir, are a giant c*** and you finger will forever haunt my dreams.


Quote by Kind, Non-Existant User
Coco-Loco is the finest bit of meat on the butcher block.
#8
OK TS stick it in a vice and close it..................thats what I do.
Thor! Odin's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Your destiny awaits Thor! Hlödyn's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Ragnarök awaits


E-ARCH NEMESIS of girlgerms007
#9
F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck.
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise
#11
I think a good dose of Icy Hot would fix your problem.

Quote by metallicafan616
it's basically shrivelled up, purple and the head has a massive lump on it surrounded by a dark red line


Or maybe you should have a doctor look at it, sounds a little serious. You don't want to risk permanent damage to your penis, seriously.
#13
Rub icy-hot on it.
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#15
Wrap it in sand paper TS, and have a fap
Thor! Odin's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Your destiny awaits Thor! Hlödyn's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Ragnarök awaits


E-ARCH NEMESIS of girlgerms007
#16


If you don't have it, nothing's wrong with it.
There's a good chance that what I've written above is useless and if you take any of the advice it's your own fault.
#17
If there is discoloration then theres a real chance of serious injury. GO TO A REAL DOCTOR
Quote by FatalGear41
In the end, the only question is: what bass would Jesus play?

I think he's a Fender Jazz guy.
#18
Quote by Alucard817
If there is discoloration then theres a real chance of serious injury. GO TO A REAL DOCTOR



But we are all real doctors in the pit.
Thor! Odin's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Your destiny awaits Thor! Hlödyn's son Protector of mankind Ride to meet your fate Ragnarök awaits


E-ARCH NEMESIS of girlgerms007
#19
I like the way the first thing you do after that happening is turn on your laptop/computer and come onto ultimate-guitar to ask for advice..... Just makes it more funny in my opinion :P
#22
I read the title for this thread......But still entered.


What the hell is wrong with me?!


Ok you got me, I was hoping for pics.
#23
Maybe a doctor could help you better than a bunch of pit monkeeeeeeees.
1. You're surfing the internet.
2. You're browsing through the UG forums.
3. You're reading now.
5. You didn't notice that there was no #4.
6. You just checked it.
7. Now you're having a lil smile.

Quote by hawk_kst
You Sir, have the best signature like ever!
#25
I reckon a Doctor could sort that. Probably an amputation job to be honest.
#26
Tried opiates? If you chase the dragon or snort it, then you have a low chance of addiction and the pain will go away, plus you will feel amazing.
#28
Quote by JD2k9
Tried opiates? If you chase the dragon or snort it, then you have a low chance of addiction and the pain will go away, plus you will feel amazing.


I think maybe I could crush up some tramadol, make a few lines of it on tin foil and so long as I can teach my penis to inhale (don't need an extra tube for my tube...) it should give my penis the most amazing feeling ever, right?

"The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n"

- John Milton, Paradise Lost
#34
Quote by Silent Murder


If you don't have it, nothing's wrong with it.



Can't help but feel your user name is slightly relevant to your post...
#35
Quote by FireHawk
put iceyhot on it


(yes I went there you old timers)

EDIT: Crap I was beat...

I'm a little disappointed that this wasn't the first reply.

And the rest of them too.
maybe if you had a
revolver
you'd
suck less

press
↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B Areceive bacon

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#36
If you don't go to the doctor there's a chance you broke the vessals that give you an erection. Go to the doctor or you may never be able to get or maintain an erection again. Go to the doctor.
Due what you want as long as you vote Due!
#37
pic or gtfo.
Quote by babakkatt
Whats wrong with asking a girl what kind of cheese she likes?

LOUD NOISES
#38
Quote by Equivalence
Haha I laughed so hard at this



Anyway, any regular painkiller should do. Take an advil, and go to the doctor. It sounds bad.
#40
Take a couple Advil, Tylenol, or whatever regular painkiller you might have and go see a doctor ASAP. If it's bruising and swelling that bad and quickly, there is a decent chance that you broke a number of blood vessels, which might result in you never being able to get it up again, and I'm pretty sure that you want to be able to have sex at some point in the future.
Quote by Butt Rayge
Pretty sure Jesus was decaffeinated.


I'm just a hedonist without happiness
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