#1
This is being reposted. And before I'm reported, it was done with permission. Last time I posted I inadvertently invited a lot of spam. My only request from las time was that people were invited t guess at what the song was about. You are still welcome to do so, but please try to include crit if you do.

Vocal delivery is meant to be a bit slow, kinda melancholic. so it some of the lines seem uneven, that's my explanation.


It’s written on the glowing walls
Smiling faces lighting the hollow of it all
A world of ties knit as frail as ice
A tome, defaced time
Parted lips, fleeting grins
Envy watches and lusts for such sins
Your life is on tap
Pour my love, give none back
Watch the farce unfold
Recounting the loss and the fear and the anger untold
You never earned
I watched, I never learned
#2
Quote by FryingNemo
This is being reposted. And before I'm reported, it was done with permission. Last time I posted I inadvertently invited a lot of spam. My only request from las time was that people were invited t guess at what the song was about. You are still welcome to do so, but please try to include crit if you do.

Vocal delivery is meant to be a bit slow, kinda melancholic. so it some of the lines seem uneven, that's my explanation.

I'm gonna break this up a bit just to make it easier to critique.

It’s written on the glowing walls
Smiling faces lighting the hollow of it all
A world of ties knit as frail as ice
A tome, defaced time

The first two lines flow beautifully, and the abstract, dissonant style is very well-done. In the third line, I'm not sure I agree with 'ice' as a solid word choice, but I suppose it does work, as ice could typically be seen as frail.

On second thought, I might suggest changing 'frail' to 'fragile'; it just feels more right when describing ice. Also, the last line feels empty; not in length, but in content. You could probably say a bit more in that line. I have no idea as of yet as to what this might be about, though I get just a slight vibe that makes me think "sex".


Parted lips, fleeting grins
Envy watches and lusts for such sins
Your life is on tap
Pour my love, give none back

The first two lines don't have any major flaws that I can see; I quite like the idea presented in the second line, clever. You could probably add more descriptive language to the third line to make it more interesting. I really like the last line. Still getting a slight sexual vibe from this.

Watch the farce unfold
Recounting the loss and the fear and the anger untold
You never earned
I watched, I never learned

The first line is another that could probably be added to in order to make it more interesting. The second line seems just a syllable or two too long, but without hearing the song, it's hard to tell. The third line is very empty; again, I suggest adding to it to make it more descriptive. The last line is a bit weak.


Overall, this was well-written, though perhaps a bit too vague. Your flow was mostly good, your diction was above average, and the way you linked your ideas together was very interesting. With a little polishing and refining, I'm sure this will turn out very well.


As for its meaning, my only blind guess would be sex. I didn't really get much else from this other than a few strange images that reminded me of sex.

If you'd like to return the critique, a few words on anything in my sig will do.
#5
Well I haven't got much of anything I'd like to change about it except that you could add to a few lines and have them describe a lot more.

As for the meaning, at the top of my head I'd say it's either about gigging or drinking
#7
Well just making it a bit more descriptive is really it, I mean reading it I enjoyed the imagery but I hadn't got a clue what it was about, the first line puts the image of a club/pub in my head, with "glowing walls". Then as I read on I got different vibes from each line and was confused by it all. It's just my taste really, I don't enjoy something if after reading it a few times I didn't understand it. I think the line "A tome, defaced time" should be added to since it's the one that really threw me off. The entire time I was thinking that it's either about a pub, or a strip club ("Envy watches and lusts for such sins") but I had no idea what a book has to do with those.

And no need to return the crit, it wasn't really much of one anyway.
#8
"Glowing" is pretty weak. I think you could find a better word there. Also "ice" isn't really that "frail" to me. It just seems there for the rhyme. Not a fan of the word "farce". Just my opinion. The "your life is on tap...pour my love" lines were great. Also "you never earned". Never earned what? Anyways, despite a few "flaws", I did enjoy reading this. It had a nice flow to it and I like the vagueness of it. Anyways, I hope this crit helped.


Crit mine please
Ordinary Talk