#1
Could you please calm your voice, strange events have occured
When dawn appeared in this great frontier
Felt a ponderous burden in my heart
While constructing the walloping stone hedge
In the gentle undecayed English countyside

Asking for advice in my radioactive dreams
Frightened by pagan rituals with scriptures
Married to the belief of sin, washed it away with blood
Problems arise when the mortified have fallen
Or relinquish

Grabbed the barren letter, towards the Bering sea of Alaska
Crashing of the waves, thunderous screams from the currents
From the air which created garbage
Thus it spewed venom, its hatred
Like a cancerous wildfire burning for the ages

I ask no further questions in these sequences
Circumstances and actions were taken
When a great disciple traveled a great distance
To provide friendship in dire times of mischeif
Only to learn a insignificant lesson
From distance memory
That made a rightous path to paved the way
For the parting of the Red Sea


*feel free to comment and I'll return a favor*
Last edited by jod23 at Aug 29, 2011,
#2
It seems that you used large "wordy" words just to use them here. In some parts it works like"Crashing of the waves, thunderous screams from the currents" but in other places like the ponderous burden line just doesn't imo.
Overall, I feel like this has some good meaning behind it but I just got bogged down reading it and frankly lost where it was going.

However, I enjoyed it. Seems like your making major allusions to religion in an interesting way.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1475100
#3
Quote by jod23
Could you please calm your voice, strange events have occured
When dawn appeared in this great frontier
Felt a ponderous burden in my heart
While constructing the walloping stone hedge
In the gentle undecayed English countyside

I would put a line break instead of the comma in the first line. The comma interrupts the upward inflection that should be present in the question. I really like the internal rhyme of "appeared/frontier" in the second line. I'm not sure about the word 'undecayed' in the last line; it feels awkward.

Asking for advice in my radioactive dreams
Frightened by pagan rituals with scriptures
Married to the belief of sin, washed it away with blood
Problems arise when the mortified have fallen
Or relinquish

I like the religious tone this stanza introduces, and it's introduced smoothly without feeling forced. The grammar in the last line seems strange, though 'relinquished' wouldn't feel right either.

Grabbed the barren letter, towards the Bering sea of Alaska
Crashing of the waves, thunderous screams from the currents
From the air which created garbage
Thus it spewed venom, its hatred
Like a cancerous wildfire burning for the ages

The wording in the second line is beautiful, and the last three lines are very vivid.

I ask no further questions in these sequences
Circumstances and actions were taken
When a great disciple traveled a great distance
To provide friendship in dire times of mischeif
Only to learn a insignificant lesson
From distance memory
That made a rightous path to paved the way
For the parting of the Red Sea

I adore the repeated use of 'great' in the second line, especially because both are followed by words that begin with a "d". The word 'mischief' in the third line feels too mild after the dark imagery in the previous stanza.

In the sixth line, 'distance memory' though incorrect grammatically, sounds interesting. In the seventh line, 'paved' should be 'pave' for grammar's sake. The last line wraps the piece up nicely on a strong religious image.


*feel free to comment and I'll return a favor*


I quite enjoyed reading this. You have a very distinct style, and it feels especially "right" in this piece. Very nice work, mate.
#4
thanks for the critque both of ya. religion was def the topic in this peice and it was heavy on my mind when i wrote it.