#1
My first post in this section.

Please forgive my errors as I'm not very good at writing.


The ending of a childish stint.
Do I even get a paragraph?
A half-hearted goodbye?
A spoken word or middle finger?

You're off to better things.
Like proper heart ache
At the hands of your lover
Who's name I forget.

The thorns in my side turn to knives
At the thought of His crooked grin.
I guess You've lost Your innocence,
To alcohol or ignorance.
Those things don't fit You, Honey.
Last edited by whoknows at Aug 30, 2011,
#2
Quote by whoknows
My first post in this section.

Please forgive my errors as I'm not very good at writing.


The ending of a childish stint.
Do I even get a paragraph?
A half-hearted goodbye?
A spoken word or middle finger?

Not a bad opening stanza. The first line caught my attention just enough to keep me reading, so that's a start. The following three lines compliment the first line pretty well, but they were a bit predictable.

Then I suppose You're off to better things.
Like proper heart ache
At the hands of your lover
Who's name I forget.

I'm not sure I like the first line opening with "Then I suppose". If you omitted those three words, I think it would make that line stronger. The second and third lines peaked my interest very strongly because they really explained what's going on in this piece. The last line is a very nice touch, and it really captures the mood.

The thorns in my side turn to knives
At the thought of His stupid grin.
I guess You've lost Your innocence,
To alcohol and ignorance.
Well peer pressure's a bitch, ain't it Honey?

The first line is alright. In the second, I'd change 'stupid' to something else; it sounds childish. The last three lines seem to come out of nowhere, like you're saying, "I hate your new boyfriend. By the way, you're an ignorant lush!" It doesn't feel warranted, and it kind of steers the piece in another direction at the last moment. The last line is especially weak, and pretty typical of an angry breakup piece.


This wasn't bad at all. You actually seem to be a pretty capable writer, if a bit rough around the edges, so don't tell yourself that you're not a good writer.

If I could suggest anything, and I offer this advice to almost every new writer I critique, it would be to work on diction. While you seemed to be saying what you wanted to say in this piece, you could have said it better. A thesaurus is your best friend when writing.

Also, you seemed to lose focus as the piece progressed. Most likely, you were writing from the heart and your heart told you, "Don't forget to shit talk her!" You could make the ending much more powerful by ironing out some of the animosity in the last stanza and keeping it focused on the main idea.

Anyway, this piece was actually much better than a lot of the stuff I've been reading around here, so kudos for that. Keep writing.
#3
Thanks for the advice, Winter Sky!

I feel I should clarify that the alcohol part wasn't to call Her a heavy drinker or anything, but more about a single incident involving it.

Anything of Yours You would like me to check out?
#4
If that's the case, I suggest either incorporating that incident in the piece as a main theme or omitting it, as it doesn't bring much to the piece as is.

Oh, anything in my sig will do.