#1
Solace In Passion

Locked in with my own self-concious thoughts, what they see, what they think of how im fighting what's faught. by everyone who is trampled and who's been left in the dirt, by pain and suffering of those that show they crave worth. In this wolrd, and their own twisting paths in the night. Walking slow, silent steps, fighting to see the light. Be released, renewed, achieved and well known, show these people full of doubt, what you know can be shown. So stand! catch wind and take to the air, rise above the crowds of people who have all shared. Their negative, selfish, and useless ranting, that on the reel of life, this is your future that is casting.

C- Raise your hands if you feel like i do,
Telling this world that im more than just dirt on
your shoes.
Take aim, steady, with fire in your eyes. Be sure
your looking straight, show them our passion
never dies.

Any advice would be greatly appriciated
#2
Thank you Sorry for any hassle caused.

Well firstly, I'm not entirely sure about the structure. I mean the first paragraph makes it seem like prose but then by the second it changes to a stanza. Sorry if this is just one style of writing, but I think the structure could do with changing.

Now about content,

Locked in with my own self-concious thoughts, what they see, what they think of how im fighting what's faught. by everyone who is trampled and who's been left in the dirt, by pain and suffering of those that show they crave worth. In this wolrd, and their own twisting paths in the night. Walking slow, silent steps, fighting to see the light. Be released, renewed, achieved and well known, show these people full of doubt, what you know can be shown. So stand! catch wind and take to the air, rise above the crowds of people who have all shared. Their negative, selfish, and useless ranting, that on the reel of life, this is your future that is casting.

I absolutely love the imagery used here, especially in "Walking slow, silent steps". I think it could use changing some metaphors cause some of this is pushing a tad close to cliche like "who's been left in the dirt, by pain and suffering of those that show they crave worth". Nothing that brings it down though. I mean the entire theme is pretty overdone, but you've made it pass.

C- Raise your hands if you feel like i do,
Telling this world that im more than just dirt on
your shoes.
Take aim, steady, with fire in your eyes. Be sure
your looking straight, show them our passion
never dies.

Now the first line is pretty cheesy in my opinion, reminds me of a lot of pop songs. I think the entire stanza could use rewording since it all comes off as cliche. I like the subtle rhymes you made though, those were good. I think you should consider this piece as the first draft of something, it's got a lot of potential in it and a simple change in structure and wording would be sufficient for me as a reader. I didn't lose interest in any way when reading it though, which is good. The first paragraph was stronger than this stanza.

Hope this was any help

AEDIT: If you wouldn't mind, could you give a tiny crit to this?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1474984
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 30, 2011,
#3
Hey i take no offense to any crit man, and thanks alot. I've been trying to excel in my writing and being less obvious but still getting my point across. I have also found that wen im best at writing wen im pissed off lol and i'll check out your post as well and let you know what i think.