#1
crit4crit
ORDINARY TALK

They play it and you say
The music must've died
Years later you hear it
And you begin to cry
She doesn't know what it means
She never knew the lyrics
But she loves every word
Every time she hears
And she said it's her song
But it's more about you
You've always been selfish
That's why your love is through

Been searching through the charts
For the right song to sing you
Been searching through the stores
For the right gift to bring you
But no one's ever felt
The way that I feel
Too broke to buy
And too tired to steal

I hope you know that I meant
Every word I said before
Whether I told you straight up
Or had a bad metaphor
Like you're so fly
You're just like an angel
You say you got a bad side
But you look good from all angles
Sorry if that sounded cheesy
I know you hate cheese
I'll remember 'cause in the big picture
It's all about the little things


Been searching through the charts
For the right song to sing you
Been searching through the store
For the right gift to bring you
But no one's ever felt
The way that I feel
Too broke to buy
And too tired to steal

If your heart's ever broken
I would pick up the pieces
Show you the holes in my hand
And you would call me Jesus
But I don't want to take away
The sins of the world
I just want to take away
The pain that's killing one girl

Been searching through the charts
For the right song to sing you
Been searching through the store
For the right gift to bring you
But no one's ever felt
The way that I feel
Too broke to buy
And too tired to steal

This put nothing new on the table
I know it's all cliche
It's just ordinary talk
It's how I feel every day
#2
This was a very enjoyable read. The flow was smooth and consistent, the rhymes never really felt forced, and your diction was accessible but not too simplistic. I'm not sure I like how it progressed towards the end; it got a bit sappy for my taste, but that's just me.

If I had to nitpick, it would just be that some of the lines in the third stanza were a bit too cheesy, especially the "cheesy/cheese" lines. Overall, this was one of the better pieces I've read from you recently.


EDIT: On a side note, you seem to write most of your pieces in a very basic structure, using similar flow, rhyme schemes, and number of lines per stanza. I'd like to see you shy away from that a bit and write something with a different, more interesting structure.

But maybe you shouldn't fix what's not broken, as you seem to write very well in this structure. Either way, you consistently write great stuff, so keep it up.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2011,
#3
I gotcha. I do need to try to break away from that basic structure I got. That whole "abca" scheme. But on a side note, the girl I wrote this song about, really does not like cheese. True story, otherwise I would've never been able to come up with such a line. Anyways, thanks for the crit.
#4
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
ORDINARY TALK
If your heart's ever broken
I would pick up the pieces
Show you the holes in my hand
And you would call me Jesus
But I don't want to take away
The sins of the world
I just want to take away
The pain that's killing one girl

But no one's ever felt
The way that I feel
Too broke to buy
And too tired to steal
]


I'm in love with these two bits. They had a bit more of your trademark imagery. Unfortunately, the piece itself got a little wordy. Usually, you get straight to the bulk of the matter an this one seemed to beat around the bush a bit and had a lot less impacting lines. I didn't get the same weight from this one as much as the others. There's nothing truly wrong with it though, I'm just nit picking. And as always, I enjoyed it.
#5
Just about the only thing I could criticize is the structure. I kinda like your style. Maybe just reuse this piece as a sort of exercise in structure and it might turn out rather interesting.

You've got some very clever lines, particularly the lines regarding the holes in your hands and "looking good from all angles". The flow felt right and it wasn't hard to digest at all.

Keep it up.