#1
Advice or comments? Can you also rate them from 1-10? Thanks!

Thoughts locked away, forget the fear
Don't speak just cause I want to hear
Tell me what I already know
Keep me here cause I have nowhere to go

I'm not your ghost
I'm not your ghost

I won't live out your fantasies
Live the life you want for me
And I'm not some faded apparition
I'll play out my own ambitions

I don't see the world in two dimensions
I can see through your intentions
I can see through your facade
And I won't let my soul fade
Last edited by aliai at Aug 30, 2011,
#2
Thoughts locked away, forget the fear
Don't speak just cause I want to hear
Tell me what I already know
Keep me here cause I have nowhere to go

has a pretty standard rhyming scheme but it still flows so I like it.

I'm not your ghost
I'm not your ghost

I dont really know what this means. maybe pick another word instead of "ghost".

I won't live out your fantasies
Live the life you want for me
And I'm not some faded apparition
I'll play out my own ambitions

the last two lines seem forced. so forget about trying to rhyme every single line and focus more on the meaning I guess.

I don't see the world in two dimensions
I can see through your intentions
I can see through your facade
And I won't let my soul fade

I'll suggest changing the last line
.

this was a pretty simple read. the first verse flows perfectly so maybe try and do the same with the other two verses. something seems to be missing so maybe add a few more lines. also try give this a more powerful ending instead of just another line to go with the previous one. sorry if I sound nitpicky I assume this is a song, in which case.. ignore since I'm not really a good judge for it

I'll give it 6/10. keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Aug 31, 2011,