#1
I'm driving by
You're outside
The stains on your knees
Little wooden, choo choo train

You should take a look
You should take a look
You should get off the dirt
You should be alert

You should, you should
You should

No one in the rearview
No one in the garden
Foot prints to the door
No one in the rearview

You should be on your feet
You should be on your feet
You should be in the road
You should wave after me

you should, you should
you should
#2
Quote by Batts117
I'm driving by
You're outside
The stains on your knees
Little wooden, choo choo train

I don't understand how the third and fourth lines are at all related to the first two. The third line feels incomplete because all that it's saying is that this "you" has stains in his/her knees. And the last line seems completely pointless and irrelevant. Also, you don't seem to be saying much in this stanza.

You should take a look
You should take a look
You should get off the dirt
You should be alert

The repetition doesn't really work here. Take a look at what? The last line, again, seems completely irrelevant. And again, none of this is telling me much, if anything.

You should, you should
You should

This is a very weak phrase to repeat. It doesn't add anything to the piece.

No one in the rearview
No one in the garden
Foot prints to the door
No one in the rearview

I have no idea what, if anything, you're trying to say with this. I don't see the point.

You should be on your feet
You should be on your feet
You should be in the road
You should wave after me

Again, the repetition of 'you should' is weak, and none of the lines are saying much.

you should, you should
you should


I'm having trouble seeing the point of this piece. You offer no real imagery, no emotion, no story. There's just nothing here but words, and repetitive words at that.

Really think about what you want to say when you write, and examine your work from an objective point of view. Don't assume the reader knows what you mean, make them know what you mean. Be descriptive and clear, or at least emotive.

Keep writing, mate.