#1
Desolate place for hundreds of miles from communication
Thousand years I've been asking the same questions
Sending the message in the blazing fires
Tonight this room is filled with lunar twilight
Pressed against from the powerful radiations from the sun rays
No colorful patterns to ease my anxiety
Fleeing the scene from this steel bars

Appearing in the black infested forest
With charcoal texture, an X marked on his forehead
His crazed eyes glued on sight like lighting crashing miraculously
In the distance laughing hysterically
Producing a high pitch frequency like an ultra sound
Created wavelenghs large enough to travel light years away
Thus many years are spent in thes steel bars

Using crayons to draw pictures for a jesture
Scribbled symbols on ole ancient scroll
Strange burning scent shrouds the skies
Smoke rings of a ancient skull fill in this steel bars

Used the device to communicate to the heavens
I'm lured to speak to the grand wizard
Lurking miraculously through the birch woods
Speaking in strange monotone voice about crazed hymns
Allowing myself to be trapped in this bird cage
Whistling my way through this steel bars

In this enstranged relationship comparing apples and oranges
I demand an utter explanation to this maddness
Like the wolves trailing a rich scent of carcass disposal
The wizard looked at me with his long grey beard
Pointing his finger at my forehead
Without a clear explanation left me in the dust
Therfore trapped in this steel bars that will not rust

*feel free to comment and i'll return a favor*
Last edited by jod23 at Aug 31, 2011,
#2
Quote by jod23
Desolate place for hundreds of miles from communication
Thousand years I've been asking the same questions
Sending the message in the blazing fires
Tonight this room is filled with lunar twilight
Pressed against from the powerful radiations from the sun's rays
No colorful patterns to ease my anxiety
Fleeing the scene from these steel bars

Some of the grammar is off. Rather than quote them, I'll just make the grammatical corrections in bold. Content-wise, it's beautiful and the imagery is great, as I've come to expect from you.

Appearing in the black infested forest
With charcoal texture, an X marked on his forehead
His crazed eyes glued on sight like lightning crashing miraculously
In the distance laughing hysterically
Producing a high pitched frequency like an ultra sound
Creating wavelengths large enough to travel light years away
Thus many years are spent in these steel bars

I don't like the sudden and vague introduction of "him". It feels very abrupt and out of nowhere. Again, some of the grammar is off, as well as a bit of spelling. I'm kind of losing the direction of the piece here, but the imagery is still amazing.

Using crayons to draw pictures for a jesture
Scribbled symbols on ole ancient scroll
Strange burning scent shrouds the skies
Smoke rings of an ancient skull fill in this steel bars

I'm not sure what "jesture" is supposed to be, but it's a typo of something. At this point, the piece is seemingly nonsensical and dissonant but for the repetition of the "steel bars".

Used the device to communicate to the heavens
I'm lured to speak to the grand wizard
Lurking miraculously through the birch woods
Speaking in strange monotone voice about crazed hymns
Allowing myself to be trapped in this bird cage
Whistling my way through this steel bars

What device? I really like this stanza other than the lack of elaboration on this "device".

In this estranged relationship comparing apples and oranges
I demand an utter explanation to this madness
Like the wolves trailing a rich scent of carcass disposal
The wizard looked at me with his long grey beard
Pointing his finger at my forehead
Without a clear explanation left me in the dust
Therefore trapped in this steel bars that will not rust

I don't like the rhyme of dust/rust; it feels forced and tacked-on. Other than that, I enjoy the strange imagery.

*feel free to comment and i'll return a favor*


This wasn't as good as most of your other work that I've read. It was a bit too dissonant and nonsensical. However, the imagery was vivid and there was quite a bit of emotion in it. Not a great read, but a very interesting one.