#1
C1:
As a child, I'd dream about a death at sea
Do the waves kiss you goodbye, before you drop to the deep
Will a seagull choir chant a soothing final lullaby
When the sun fades away, and the day turns to night

V1:
I'm the captain of this sinking ship
On a voyage of my own
Raise the sails, wave and set course
To a place still unknown

V2:
Losing track of the shoreline
And probably drift futher
Cus I'm one of those who don't wanna
Be able to walk on water

C2:
As a child, I'd dream about a death at sea
Do the waves kiss you goodbye, before you drop to the deep
Will a seagull choir chant a soothing final lullaby
When the sun fades away, and the day turns to night
Last edited by FryMeALiver at Aug 31, 2011,
#2
Quote by FryMeALiver
C1:
As a child, I'd dream about a death at sea
Do the waves kiss you goodbye, before you drop to the deep
Will a seagull choir chant a soothing final lullaby
When the sun fades away, and the day turns to night

The jump from the first line to the second feels just a slight bit too abrupt (in tone I mean; it starts out with a statement, as if you're talking to the reader, but then moves directly to questions aimed at no one in particular), but it's not a real problem. I like the idea of seagulls being the last sound one hears as they die at sea.

V1:
I'm the captain of this sinking ship
On a voyage of my own
Raise the sails, wave and set course
To a place still unknown

The first line is so cliche that I would suggest changing it. The rest is good, and the flow is pretty smooth.

V2:
Losing track of the shoreline
And probably drift futher
Cus I'm one of those who don't wanna
Be able to walk on water

The flow here is all over the place, especially in the first two lines. I suggest fixing the grammar in the second and third lines; it reads very sloppy as is. The walking on water thing doesn't feel very relevant to the subject of the piece.

C2:
As a child, I'd dream about a death at sea
Do the waves kiss you goodbye, before you drop to the deep
Will a seagull choir chant a soothing final lullaby
When the sun fades away, and the day turns to night


Not a bad read. The only part that threw me off was the second verse; you definitely need to polish that part up. The rest was great, and it got the emotion across pretty well.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 31, 2011,
#3
Thanks for the reply! It's funny how you see the flaws yourself, once you get a second opinion. Cheers mate!

Do you think the chorus would be better off with "Will the waves kiss me goodbye ... ", Instead of "Do the waves kiss you goodbye ... "?
#4
Now that you mention it, changing the you's to I's in the chorus would probably fix that minor tone issue. Glad I could help, man.

EDIT: Change the you's to a me and an I, that is. I'm sure you knew what I meant.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2011,