#1
C4C, as always.

In late August,
time seems to return to its usual self;
the days no longer feel
like wondrous pieces of forever,
but slowly wither
into semi-conscious sequences
of hours.

My mind was restless
in the late nighttime hush;
my mother's husky was preoccupied
with the critical task
of sniffing the leather couch
and didn't seem to recognize any of the names
that I was tracing into her wintry coat.

After running out of people to banish
to the shedding white canine,
I needed a walk;
she agreed by frolicking in circles
as I stood to leave.

I stepped outside in my bare feet,
followed closely by the dog in her bare paws,
onto concrete which still held the warmth
of a summer's day,
into the warm orange glow
surrendered by the security light
next to the door.

The cold air caught me by surprise,
rousing my stale senses
with the familiar kiss
of an autumn breeze on my skin.

As I was swept along the sidewalk
by my exuberant four-legged companion,
I let my mind wander
to nights in October,
to different streets than these,
to the kind of frigid winter nights
that seep through even the heaviest jackets and fur,
and I felt the beating of my feet
on the unyielding ground,
reverberating from my heels
to my aching knees,
to the empty space in my head
where my mind would be if it weren't wandering,
and to my ears,
where it sounded like the dull thud of a heart.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2011,
#2
I'd love to crit, but since English isn't my native language and I don't know 10% of the words you've used, I think we both are better off without it.

Never the less I think I get the overall picture, and I can somewhat relate.
#3
First of all, I really liked the descriptiveness of this. It's like a storybook in song/poem form. Anyways, I really don't have a lot of "flaws" to point out. But since I like to nitpick, I had to. There's no reason to tell us the dog is barefoot. Okay, I know this crit was weak but really there was nothing I would change. Anyways, if you have time feel free to crit mine.

Ordinary Talk
#4
'In late August,
time seems to return to its usual self;
the days don't feel
like wondrous pieces of forever anymore,
but slowly wither
into semi-conscious sequences
of hours.'

Days getting short as late summer ends is what i get out of in the 1st stanza.
I get rid of anyone because its wordy with the rest of the 4th line.
Great description the sequences in hours during the day.


'My mind was restless
in the late nighttime hush;
my mother's husky was preoccupied
with the critical task
of sniffing the leather couch
and didn't seem to recognize any of the names
that I was tracing into her wintry coat.'

nice describition of the wintry color of the husky dog. maybe add a distinctive wet dog odor too haha.
funny describition with the dog sniffing the couch.

'After running out of people to banish
to the shedding white canine,
I needed a walk;
she agreed by frolicking in circles
as I stood to leave.'

perfect

'I stepped outside in my bare feet,
followed closely by the dog in her bare feet,
onto concrete which still held the warmth
of a summer's day,
into the warm orange glow
surrendered by the security light
next to the door.'

maybe add paws for the dog. dont like the dog in barefeet. Rest of the stanza excellent describition.

'The cold air caught me by surprise,
rousing my stale senses
with the familiar kiss
of an autumn breeze on my skin.'

Tied this stanza prefectly with the shorter season approaching with the cold air.

'As I was swept along the sidewalk
by my exuberant four-legged companion,
I let my mind wander
to nights in October,
to different streets than these,
to the kind of frigid winter nights
that seep through even the heaviest jackets and fur,
and I felt the beating of my feet
on the unyielding ground,
reverberating from my heels
to my aching knees,
to the empty space in my head
where my mind would be if it weren't wandering,
and to my ears,
where it sounded like the dull thud of a heart.'

Appears you and the dog are ready for an winter adventure. its approaching rapidly and you seem opuntistic about it. The rest of the stanza you should cut out and focus more about you and the husky.

Overall great peice with discribition and the theme but focus more about the joys of happiness with you and your husky at the last stanza. You did tie with autumn converting into winter very well.
#5
FryMeALiver: No problem, mate. I can understand that some of my diction is a bit advanced for someone whose first language isn't English.

themarsvolta: Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

jod23: I agree that the fourth line was wordy; I edited it to flow a bit better. I'd like to change the "bare feet" line as well, seeing as two people have pointed it out, but I'm not sure what to change it to. Hopefully I'll think of something to change it to soon. Thank you for the in-depth critique.

EDIT: Changed "feet" to "paws". It still doesn't feel right, but at least it gets rid of the feet for now.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2011,
#6
I love this one. It's rather simple and down-to-earth compared to Your other stuff I've read.
Shows the sort of sad beauty of the little things and the decay of the seasons.
It seems rather personal, but still very relateable.

I really enjoyed the "wondrous pieces of forever" line and the "unyielding ground" section.

As usual You've created something amazing.