#1
Hello people, this piece was written pretty much like a story that unfolded itself as I was writing it. As it turns out, it was never meant to be this sinister, that's just kind of how it manifested itself in the end.

C4C and all.


I finish my plate
And carry my weight
The walk could be miles
She looks up and smiles

Ah well a thanks for the meal
The fish steak was unreal
She calls for a cab
I throw down my tab

I think we should
Go drive
Go drive

Well if thats what you want
I wouldn't mind a quick jaunt
We take to the floor
And out through the door

Well I look past the street
To my car the front seat
She climbs in the beside me
and puts her arms around me

Well I think its time
we go drive
go drive

I never wanted it to end like this
A stop sign and a goodbye kiss
An old tree and a pair of broken headlights
I never wanted it to be this way
But up high oh we could drive all day
The roof down in our shiny new Mercedes

Slow down
Oh keep your eyes on the road (she says)
Slow down
Keep your eyes on the road

Slow down
Oh keep your eyes on the road (she says)
Slow down
Keep your eyes on the road

Slow down
Oh keep your eyes on the road (she says)
Slow down
The back tires explode
The back tires explode
The back tires explode
The back tires explode.
Last edited by Alkaline 64 at Sep 3, 2011,
#2
Quote by Alkaline 64



I finish my plate
And carry my weight
The walk could be miles
She looks up and smiles

This parts alright, but the last line seems disconnected as you were talking about yourself throughout the rest of it.

Ah well a thanks for the meal
The fish steak was unreal
She calls for a cab
I throw down my tab

I like the second line in this stanza, but I feel the 'Ah' is a bit unnecessary.

I think we should
Go drive
Go drive

This part could be catchy with a riff acompanying it (if its meant to be a song).

Well if thats what you want
I wouldn't mind a quick jaunt
We take to the floor
And out through the door

I'm not sure about the last two lines. Don't know why, but I don't think they go well together.

Well I look past the street
To my car the front seat
She climbs in the beside me
and puts her arms around me

This is alright, but I don't see how you can look past the street to end up seeing inside your car. Dunno, maybe it's just worded weirdly.

Well I think its time
we go drive
go drive

I like this part, it seems like its got more urgent with the added 'I think its time' rather than just 'I think we should'.

I never wanted it to end like this
A stop sign and a goodbye kiss
An old tree and a pair of broken headlights
I never wanted it to be this way
But up high oh we could drive all day
The roof down in our shiny new Mercedes

This stanzas really good. I especially like the second and third lines. The only thing is the fifth line doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe add a comma somewhere to make it easier to understand.

Slow down
Oh keep your eyes on the road (she says)
Slow down
Keep your eyes on the road

Slow down
Oh keep your eyes on the road (she says)
Slow down
Keep your eyes on the road

These parts are great. Really adds drama as it gets nearer to the end.

Slow down
Oh keep your eyes on the road (she says)
Slow down
The back tires explode
The back tires explode
The back tires explode
The back tires explode.

'The back tired explode' is a great way the end and concludes the whole piece nicely.



First, thanks a lot for the crit on my piece.
Overall, I thought it was pretty good, keep it up. For the subject, what I got was that you were out for a dinner, with who I presume is your girlfriend. Then you were speeding in your car and crashed. In this does your or the girl intend to die from the crash, or you just leaving it open?
#3
Quote by StrumThatFender
First, thanks a lot for the crit on my piece.
Overall, I thought it was pretty good, keep it up. For the subject, what I got was that you were out for a dinner, with who I presume is your girlfriend. Then you were speeding in your car and crashed. In this does your or the girl intend to die from the crash, or you just leaving it open?


I think it would be best to leave that part open, and yeah, your pretty much spot with the subject. I don't do any kind of story telling very often in my lyrics, so its nice to know what people think.

I'll definitely take your points in to consideration.