#1
"Act I"

Poseidon.
It opened it's uterus
and birthed
the Kraken --
who was the fear
in the heart of a true
sailor.

Father Sky,
with his genitalia
torn,
cast it into the ocean.
And from the sea,
he
bore desire.

Meanwhile,
the foreign Venus
tended her first child,
and made love to
the Lady of Cyprus
in hopes that they
would beget
several more.

All the while
the foreign Caelus
wept for his country
and the primal fire
that burned
at it's core.
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Last edited by jstarbob at Sep 4, 2011,
#2
Some of the line breaks were a bit awkward (lines 3 and 6 in the first stanza, 2 and 6 in the second, 4 and 6 in the third.)

Content-wise, it's pretty well-written, but it doesn't evoke much strong imagery or emotion; it feels a bit half-hearted, like "this is what happened, then this, then this, etc." without making me care that these things happened. Also, I'm not fond of using "foreign" both in stanza 3 and stanza 4.

Overall, this piece wasn't bad by any means, but it didn't capture my attention or make me feel anything. Keep writing, mate. Thanks for the comments on my piece.
#3
Well, I was pretty tipsy when I wrote this. Usually I'd pay more attention to those line breaks. I'll tweak it before it ever goes near my blog. Thanks for the crit, brother.
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#4
Thanks for the crit!

Not bad.

I think the last stanza was my favorite.
The second was a bit hard to follow in sections.

The piece kind of jumps around to all these different sections, maybe try to tie it all together somehow.

Over all I do like it though,
Just needs a little fine tuning.
#5
"Act I"

Poseidon.
It opened it's uterus
and birthed
the Kraken --
who was the fear
in the heart of a true
sailor.
the last three lines feel awkward. "who was the fear in the heart of a true sailor." it doesn't feel as ominous as it ought to be. "was" is a pretty week and passive verb here. but it's easy to fall into further cliches with this type of content so be careful. and why not all sailors? I'm not sure why it's specified as the hearts of true sailors.

Father Sky,
with his genitalia
torn,
cast it into the ocean.
And from the sea,
he
bore desire.
this is odd. it could work but it doesn't seem to be backed up by anything. father sky and his genitalia are introduced then vanish entirely.

Meanwhile,
the foreign Venus
tended her first child,
and made love to
the Lady of Cyprus
in hopes that they
would beget
several more.
I don't feel like theres enough story to explain the necessity of this stanza

All the while
meanwhile and all the while are so similar its kind of claustrophobic and feels stale to start both stanzas the same way.
the foreign Caelus
wept for his country
and the primal fire
that burned
at it's core.
nice writing but feels kind of inconsequential

you have a nose for the grandiose here and that can be very cool but the content didn't seem to stand up to the aspirations of what this piece is trying to be. as winter sky said, it kind of just feels like "this happened then this" but it doesnt feel like you let any piece of the story develop enough to involve the reader.

some solid stuff here but it doesn't feel like it completes what it sets out to do.

look forward to reading more from you
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
Ehh.. I may be a little too drunk but looking back on my intention with this poem I wouldn't change a damn thing because it has a very deep meaning. It really wasn't about the imagery but more the meaning I tried to evoke. Look into greek and roman and mythology. It's all there.. but thanks very much for your thoughts.
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