#1
My lips move delicate as the sun hangs present
Communication is a mighty virtue to escape
Rightous path and ignoring the negative feelings
Only bring me down towards the shores of the Arctic ocean
When the high pitch frequency drawn me in like a moth

I hear the haunting organs
Producing low pitch frequencies
In the background from the sounds inside the muesum
This authentic terran has a sarcastic taste
With a peaceful delight and desolute peace
Where this place is laid barren for miles on end
With snow and ice

Nightfall approaching straightaway
Strong blistrous winds traverse today
Temperature change thus descend below
No trees nor mountains can stop this dementia
The remorseless climate in the tundra left untamed
I appear in the lighthouse to navigate an escape
To find the ship lost at sea for years
In the Artctic ocean left with frequencies left to blame


*feel free to comment and ill reply with a crtique*
#2
Quote by jod23
My lips move delicate as the sun hangs present
Communication is a mighty virtue to escape
Rightous path and ignoring the negative feelings
Only bring me down towards the shores of the Arctic ocean
When the high pitch frequency drawn me in like a moth

I really like the imagery here, and your dissonant style is present but accessible. No complaints here.

I hear the haunting organs
Producing low pitch frequencies
In the background from the sounds inside the muesum
This authentic terran has a sarcastic taste
With a peaceful delight and desolute peace
Where this place is laid barren for miles on end
With snow and ice

I'm not sure I like the imagery of organs and a museum followed directly by snow and ice. It feels like you changed your direction halfway through the stanza. In the fifth line, I'm not fond of using both "peaceful" and "peace".

Nightfall approaching straightaway
Strong blistrous winds traverse today
Temperature change thus descend below
No trees nor mountains can stop this dementia
The remorseless climate in the tundra left untamed
I appear in the lighthouse to navigate an escape
To find the ship lost at sea for years
In the Artctic ocean left with frequencies left to blame

I like the rhyme scheme here; it's subtle but noticeable. The imagery is beautiful and vivid, which has always been one of my favorite aspects of your work. In the last line, get rid of the second "left". Other than that, great ending.

*feel free to comment and ill reply with a crtique*


I really enjoyed the imagery in this piece, but the beginning of the second stanza should be changed to fit the snowy theme you went with in most of the piece. Great work other than that.
#3
appreciate with the critque winter sky. happy you pointed out that muesum doesnt fit in the peice. i rather put glaciers inside of muesum. i'll fix the mistakes you pointed out as well. im glad this peice turned alright. trying to focus imagery and keep building it. other than that let me know if ya need a critque on a certain piece from past to present.