#1
Another one of my semi-regular short poems. I hope you enjoy it


You inhale amber tints of sunrise
and hold them in your chest;
I’ll paint vividly the heat between
each sweet and shaking breath
I’ll create memories on canvas
conjure picture frames and glass
Just to remind myself of time I’ve spent
so I can reminisce
when I’m old
and grey
on how you breathed colour
Into my world
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Sep 6, 2011,
#2
Ooh I like it. The contrast in colours from amber at the beginning to grey is good as it shows how colourful their life was with this special person, and know even though his life is dull and grey now, he can look back and smile. Thats what I got anyway.
#3
I love the picture this paints....for lack of a better description, hahaha.

I kind of relate to this in a situation I am in. I read it as if someone had a profound effect on your life. I love the contrast when you say "old and grey" and afterwards speak of "breathing color into your world" I read the old and grey to be a sign of boring. Perhaps maybe the person your writing about left you, and now your life has become mundane, and only the memories bring the excitement and "color" back into your life.

Just how interpreted it. Anyway, very good, and I like it because it's very visual without being too specific.
#4
This was one of my favourite pieces I've read in quite a while. You took such a cliche setting and topic but, using original metaphors and interesting imagery, made it sound fresh. The flow was great, and the rhymes were smooth and subtle as well.

Beautifully done, mate. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
#5
Thanks guys It really means alot that other people enjoy my writings Especially coming from some of the talent that's in S&L (cough cough Winter Sky cough) It's motivating and satisfying more than you know

Thankyou again, love Jack.

edit : With Regards to Yardley's post below, I took your advice, It does fit better with "them" rather than it. Although the "it" was an attempt to make the colour feel almost tangible, I guess it doesn't retract from the imagery, and flows better.
Thanks
*didn't want to bump for such a short comment, there really should be a sage-post mode in S&L :P
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Sep 6, 2011,
#6
Quote by Mr.Pink101
You inhale amber tints of sunrise
and hold it in your chest;
I’ll paint vividly the heat between
each sweet and shaking breath
I’ll create memories on canvas
conjure picture frames and glass
Just to remind myself of time I’ve spent
so I can reminisce
when I’m old
and grey
on how you breathed colour
Into my world


I have mostly positive comments about this piece.
It's very simple, and somewhat limited because of that, but in terms of imagery and cadence is very effective.
I myself am not particularly fond of sentimental lyrics, however you executed this very well.
Did you consciously use a rise to a crescendo in lines 5-7, with a drop off and staccato phrases to the resolution in the final two lines? Very effective.
I especially liked the link you created between the opening and closing lines through evocation of colour.
My only real qualm is that 'hold them in your chest' might sound better to me, with regard to the tints being plural. I'm not sure.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1477603
Last edited by Yard_ley at Sep 6, 2011,
#7
people are often so scared of rhyme because its so "archaic" and "free verse is the ultimate evolution of everything poetic because its free" so i'm always refreshed when i see steady rhyme in pieces especially here. i think this poem did exactly what it set out to do and didnt overstay its welcome whatsoever. it kind of faltered in the last three lines and, even if that was the poetic intention, i still think that the ending could be much stronger. so yeah, first however many were just what they needed to be and last three need a rehaul.