#1
You sent him home one last time
Lied to yourself, said you would be fine
Alone in bed, hold on to that line
Waste away, no longer divine

Time is a final teardrop on your elegant face
Trickling down at an unbearable pace
Refraction distorts what you erase
No one to embrace, you fall from grace

A chilling October evening awakes
No longer dwelling his past mistakes
Chest rises to the ceiling, your body aches
Deaf to the sound that your heart makes

But you won’t be seen, no, not you
Picture perfect, that’s what you do
Put up a wall, hope no one sees through
Continue to search for something new

He waits alone for one more sign
Drifting away as her feelings align
One final time, their hearts combine
Pleased to see she’s no longer divine.
#2
I read this like the rap verse from Numb by Linkin Park. Not sure if that's good or bad in your books. It's good to see you've got a vocabulary big enough to support 8 lines and unique rhymes with 'Divine', though I couldn't help feel the first line of the last stanza was forced just to fit the piece. I need coffee, so I'm leaving, but remind me and I'll do a better critique later
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
Agree with Pink that it felt like a rap. In terms of technicality, there's nothing wrong with it, though the AAAA rhyme scheme, I felt, was quite monotonous, having no variation.

The subject matter and delivery, taken together, feel quite juvenile to me, with a number of cliches (put up a wall, past mistakes, body aches, et cetera) and so I'd recommend looking to your own experiences more in the sense of how you experience them, perhaps through keeping a diary, as opposed to using stock rap-rock phrases such as those.

For example, 'October evening' in this piece gives it a bit more personality, as it's more specific. If you could develop your 'voice' with these sorts of details the work will improved.

All of the above is intended in a purely constructive spirit, and intended to help.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1477603
Last edited by Yard_ley at Sep 6, 2011,