#1
Just wrote this one today. Sorry its a bit long but whatever :P. C4C

I'm so happy, now give me the gun

I'm so happy, I really am,
I've told you before,
So how many more times,
Do I have to lie?

I love life, yes, I really do,
I'm being so dishonest,
By telling you the truth,
Oh do I have to?

I'm so happy, I am,
So happy I'm smiling,
As I ask you kindly,
To give me the gun.

Come on, only lead to the head,
It's okay, they'll be no pain.

Love is life, and you're my life,
But I'm so sorry, really,
I can't turn you the other way,
So it's gonna be in your face.

I'm so happy, I am,
So happy I'm smiling,
As I ask you kindly,
To give me the gun.

Come on, only lead to the head,
It's okay, they'll be no pain.

I'm so happy, I really am,
I've told you before,
But I'm fed up of the fights,
Do I have to shout?

Just close your eyes now,
Come on, only lead to the head,
I'll make it so you don't feel a thing,
Its okay, there'll be no pain,
I'm so happy, I wish you were the same.

I'm so happy, I am,
So happy I'm smiling,
As I ask you kindly,
To give me the gun.

Give me the gun,
I'll shoot for you,
(Give me the gun)
Don't look at me,
(Give me the gun)
Like I'm deranged,
(Give me the gun)
Put it to your head,
(Give me the gun)
Don't need spoon-fed,
Give me the gun.

Come on, only lead to the head,
It's okay, they'll be no pain.
No pain, now that you're dead.

And I'm so happy, I am,
So happy, I'm smiling.
Last edited by StrumThatFender at Sep 6, 2011,
#2
That's really good. Don't know if you were aiming for it but it had a Nirvana feel to it. I read the whole thing in Kurt's voice too.
#3
A couple of grammatical errors in there, they'll be no pain (there'll be no pain?) and Don't need spoonfed (Don't need to be spoon-fed). Other than that it's a bit repetitive as in repeating the same words and phrases a lot.
#4
Quote by Megadethfan245
That's really good. Don't know if you were aiming for it but it had a Nirvana feel to it. I read the whole thing in Kurt's voice too.


haha my thoughts and actions exactly

Great Job!

EDIT: I think the Nirvana feeling might come from 'I'm so happy' because that lyric is in the song Lithium
Guitars
Washburn A20V 1981
Stagg SG300
BC Rich DLXJRVO
Ibanez Iceman
Jackson King V
Epiphone Special II
Epiphone Embassy IV
Martin D-16RGT
Ibanez EW20WNE
Last edited by asmithgdci at Sep 9, 2011,
#6
Quote by Ascendant
A couple of grammatical errors in there, they'll be no pain (there'll be no pain?) and Don't need spoonfed (Don't need to be spoon-fed). Other than that it's a bit repetitive as in repeating the same words and phrases a lot.


Fixed the errors. I appreciate your opinion.
#7
Well, it needs a little work on the flow. A couple parts seemed a bit awkward when you try to say them. Rhymes are all pretty direct (Maybe rework things so you have a couple slant rhymes).

My one big beef: The whole song seems to be redundant. Your verses should be on the topic, but away from it just a bit. Then use the chorus (which I really like) to draw the real idea out. It needs work, but definately has potential. Good stuff!

C4C?: "Event Horizon" Chorus
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
#8
I didn't really enjoy that much, to be honest. I mean it repeated the same thing over and over. Like DaysofGrace said, it seems kind of redundant. I like the general idea of it though. Some parts were really cliche like "Love is life, and you're my life". Also, I wasn't sure whether you wanted to put the gun to your head, or the other person that you're asking for a gun. It needs a lot more description and imagery. I mean I came out of this not knowing much. Why does this person want a gun? Why's he smiling? Is the other person male or female? What drove this person to either suicide/homicide? All I seemed to know was that you're happy, smiling and wanted a gun (for motives that we don't know).


Overall not a great piece, but not a bad one either. Keep writing